Mascot gets scoop on Santa
It is time for my most exclusive of exclusives.
My beak was recently able to sniff out one of the rarest of interviews, the big guy himself, Santa Claus.
That's right. You want him. I got him.
Here's what he had to say to my hard-hitting questions:
W
hat's the toughest thing about being you?Just knowing, through all my hard work getting ready for my big night, that people exist who still don't believe in me.
I can identify with that. After some of my football picks, some people don't believe in me, either.Not the same thing.
Sorry.It's not easy hooking up that sleigh and flying at night. It takes months to train those reindeer. Flying doesn't come naturally to them, you know.
W
here do you get your deer from, anyway?Right there in your neck of the woods. They don't mind the training regimen at all. Come November, deer will do anything to get out of Western Pennsylvania.
W
hich of your reindeer is the most athletic and is he a team player?Gotta be Dasher. He's extremely nimble, which is how he got his name. He wins most of the reindeer games. Team player? Well, he's a little jealous of Rudolph. He has a tough time handling the headliner.Rudolph is a natural at officiating those reindeer games, by the way. His nose turns on at the end of every period.
T
his hits close to home, but how do you avoid hitting birds up there?The only birds I see at the time of the year we're in flight are penguins and they can't fly. I see your Penguins are having trouble getting off the ground, too.
Leave the editorializing to me, please.Sorry.
<I>Any openings? I don't have a red nose, but I do know how to fly south (and north). Football season is just about over, so I have some free time.</I>We'd have to change the song. Something like ... Scoop is the red-faced eagle, looking to get in good with St. Nick, too ashamed to face his public, after rotten football picks ... Aww, I can't do it, Scoop. I'm a stickler for tradition, I guess.<I>A</I><I>m I still on the good list?</I>We'll see how this interview goes.<I>D</I><I>o you really know who's been naughty and nice?</I>Absolutely. People are transparent. I see right through them. I know what's in their hearts. They can't hide their true colors from me. Speaking of color, you seem to be losing yours ...<I>E</I><I>gg nog must have gone down the wrong way. Uhh ... Do you really eat cookies</I> <I>that children leave for you before they go to bed?</I>Hey, I didn't get this belly gobbling down rice cakes.<I>H</I><I>ow do you handle all of those letters to Santa?</I>We have a system at the North Pole. My staff opens the envelopes and signs off on all reasonable requests. They draw up order forms and give them to the elves<I> </I>Any request out of the ordinary comes my way.<I>Y</I><I>ou have a staff?</I>Of course. I'm incorporated, actually. This Santa Claus stuff is big business. The only part of this gig I save money on is frequent flyer miles.<I>S</I><I>o what's the strangest request you've ever received?</I>Somebody enclosed a return envelope, asking me to send back some of my whiskers. He wanted to sell them on <I>eBay</I>. I had to turn that one down.<I>Sounds enterprising. Why'd you turn it down?</I>I never shave.<I>Never?</I>Nah. When my beard gets too long, it seems to shed naturally.<I>W</I><I>hat's your favorite Christmas song?</I>Oh, the one with those chipmunks! That gets me every time! Just kidding. It would have to be “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” That one's hard to top.<I>H</I><I>ow is your relationship with the elves?</I>I love the little guys. They're unionized, but loyal. Thankfully, they've never gone on strike.<I>What would you do if they did?</I>Retire.<I>W</I><I>ith this being the computer age, how have the elves adjusted to the more technological Christmas lists they have to fill?</I>A lot of them had to retrain, go back to school, stay up to date. We test them annually to make sure they have the knowledge to do the job.<I>What happens to the ones who flunk out?</I>They get jobs making cookies. I hear they hate that.<I>F</I><I>inally, what do you want for Christmas?</I>Where do I begin? Peace on earth, above-zero temperatures on Christmas Eve, wider chimneys, fresher cookies and a collective bargaining agreement with the elves that I can live with.
