Trip to altar still guided by do's, don'ts
Getting married is a lot more complicated than picking out a china pattern.
There is a constant tug-of-war between time-honored traditions and doing things a different way, a way perhaps more mindful of modern sensibilities.
As a guide to traveling this perilous path, who better to turn to than Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute and co-host the Awesome Etiquette podcast?
Spanning five generations, this family business maintains and evolves the standards of etiquette that Emily Post, the original etiquette arbiter, established with her seminal book “Etiquette” in 1922.
According to Lizzie Post, Emily Post's great-great-granddaughter, though times have changed, the principles of good manners remain constant. Being considerate, respectful and honest is more important than knowing which fork to use.
Speaking to the Eagle from the institute's Vermont headquarters, Post tried to clear some of the confusion around wedding etiquette.
POST: “They are a thing and they happen more regionally than being a tradition all the way across the United States. We see them more frequently in the South and Southeast We also do see them in the Midwest and the Northeast a little less so. One of the differences in the Northeast it's less likely to be an event with gifts.”
POST: “Showers are still very common, hosted by the best friend of the bride or by an aunt or close family friend of the bride's.“There is no reason when we are dealing with same-sex couples, you can't have a joint shower. With any couple you can have a joint 'Jack and Jill shower.'“Traditionally, the immediate family doesn't host the party. However, due to all kinds of reasons, it has become an acceptable.“One suggestion we have is to keep the size of the shower small so you don't look like you are trying to get a lot of gifts.“If you have a large family or social network, you could have multiple small showers: one for the people from work, one for your friends from yoga class, one for your high school friends.“Remember, anyone invited to a shower must be invited to the wedding. The only exception is if work friends host a shower, they don't have to be invited to the wedding, but it (the shower) has to be something that the workplace came up with on its own.”
POST: “There are no hard and fast rules anymore. There used to be that the groom's family would pay for the rehearsal dinner and the bride's family for the reception and ceremony. Nowadays, it's the subject of candid conversations between all parties involved in the planning.“Negotiate this. People are going to have to talk about it to find a solution. It's more inclusive in regard to same-sex couples.“Here's the deal: back in the day the bride's family paid for basically everything, because women were considered financial burdens, passed from one male to another. So if you weren't offering a dowry, you could at least offer a party that cost as much as a dowry.“Since in the modern era, nobody is unburdening themselves of an economic liability, payment should be split in a way that makes financial sense for everyone involved.”
POST: “It's an open bar and free champagne. There is no cash bar at a wedding. That is one tradition you can't ignore. You don't invite people to a party and ask them to pay for it.
POST: “This is a debated question you might have to take up with each other.“People appreciate being invited because it includes them. However, the flip side is people are concerned about the cost of postage and stationery.“Save-the-date cards are wonderful. People don't have to respond but they will give you a head's up if they know they are not able to attend.”“If you love someone, and really wish they could be at your wedding, send them an invite. Your guests are adults, and they can and will say so if attending isn't practical for them. But it's an honor to be invited to someone's wedding.”
POST: “Long-term established couples. Those that have been together during the time you have been engaged for sure. Six-week relationships don't necessarily merit a plus one. Couples who live together. Couples who have been together a long time that don't live together.“That's why established couples get invited by separate invitation if they live in separate homes.“Anyone single may request a plus one if you would like to extend them a plus one.”
ANSWER: “No, the guest list is entirely up to the couple and the hosts planning the wedding.”
POST: “It's OK if you want a adults-only wedding, but you never put that information on the invite itself. It is instead on the names on the outside envelope: Mr. and Mrs. John Smith. There is no 'and family' or no 'and Kathy Sues.'“If they RSVP by adding children in, pick up the phone and let them know you are not accommodating children at the wedding. As a courtesy offer the names of babysitters in the area.“This issue has caused the breakup of friendships,” she warned.For more advice on whether to send paper invitations or are wedding registries still in style, see Sunday's Community section in the Butler Eagle.
