MARS — “You can’t look at someone and know that they’re a bully,” Gloria Armstrong told a group of Pen Mar Plaza residents and Mars Senior Center attendees.

Armstrong, who was the primary speaker for a bullying presentation Tuesday at Pen Mar, said bullying exists from grade school to senior living facilities.

She said she has even been in court because of violent altercations between seniors.

“It becomes a problem because they have that ‘I don’t care’ attitude,” Armstrong said. “I don’t ever want to see someone in that situation.”

Armstrong asked her audience to provide information and background about what type of bullying may take place at the facility, but the residents seemed to agree that their problems are minor. They did admit that gossip and a sense of territorialism do affect them on an infrequent basis.

Armstrong said sticking to the truth is the most important defense against gossip.

“If you know the truth, trust the truth,” Armstrong said.

She said residents should not begin conversations with a bully with the intent of proving it.

“Don’t try to justify the truth,” she said. “A bully will never validate that.”

Armstrong stressed that while some issues seemed minor, such as a person claiming a chair only for themselves or spreading rumors, some people have a hard time coping with the results, if they are on the receiving end.

“The emotional and psychological abuse is sometimes harder to get over,” Armstrong said.

She said in situations like these “killing them with kindness” may be a good approach for those capable, but for others who feel they need someone’s assistance, they should seek it.

She also handed out literature about other forms of bullying, including people seeking money and peer pressure.

Armstrong said bullies like to isolate their victims and wear them down until they get the desired reaction.

“A bully will hone in on that vulnerable part,” she said. “And they target it over and over.”

At its worst, bullying can turn violent. Armstrong said these cases are almost always handled in house, but also are reported to officials.

“If there is a physical assault, (housing employees) have to report it to the police,” she said.

Armstrong said the best advice she can give is to report actions and comments that are too serious to ignore. She said most facilities, including Mars, allow residents to report anonymously about bullying; although, it can affect housing’s ability to follow-up. She said it is better to report harmful behavior than not to report it.

“If you choose not to report, you have zero power,” she said.

Armstrong said her best advice for minor situations is to avoid confrontation by ignoring the bully or walking away.

“Don’t waste your breath; don’t waste your time,” she said.

The seniors attending the presentation seemed interested and involved in the discussion. Most had some form of bullying that they had encountered at one time or another.

Betty Matous, 78, a resident, said she didn’t realize that some minor situations were considered bullying.

“I didn’t realize there were other aspects of it,” she said.

She said she doesn’t feel too threatened by any bullies because the staff at her facility is good about keeping the peace. She also said most of the residents try to be good to one another and to stay out of trouble.

“It is nice knowing there is a solution if the problems get really bad,” she said.

Sally Neubert, 86, a resident, said she felt better after hearing Armstrong’s advice.

“I learned a lot,” she said. “You have to be patient with people like that.”

She said she can understand why confrontation would be a problem, and hopes that the information will help her community.

“I don’t go in for confrontation,” Neubert said. “I just walk away.”