One of these days, Paramount. Pow! Right in the kisser.

The almost-all-remake, almost-all-the-time studio delivers the worst of its current onslaught of updates with "The Honeymooners," a dim and dull morsel that's a true act of disrespect to the memories of Jackie Gleason and Art Carney.

Granted, every studio in town is busy plundering its vaults, turning old stories into pasty, tasteless oatmeal. Yet Paramount has banked more of its slate on retreads, and its choices so far - "The Stepford Wives," "Alfie," "The Manchurian Candidate," "The Longest Yard" - have been mediocre.

"The Honeymooners" takes it down a few more pegs. Cedric the Entertainer, Mike Epps, Gabrielle Union and Regina Hall are cast adrift in an absolute snoozer virtually devoid of laughs.

Director John Schultz ("Like Mike") and his collaborators were well-intentioned, holding to a goodhearted story that avoids the sewer humor pervading many comedies. But they were unable to dream up the slightest hint of wit.

The screenplay is credited to four writers who got their start in TV sitcoms or sketch comedy. Unsurprisingly, the result is a movie that comes off as a string of clumsily connected skits that would play to listless effect on the small screen; the big screen simply magnifies the lack of humor.

With his ability to play loud, loutish and lovable at the same time, Cedric was as good a choice as any to resurrect blowhard Ralph Kramden, a New York City bus driver who endlessly concocts harebrained get-rich-quick schemes when he's not busy bickering with wife Alice (Union).

The Kramdens' best friends - sewer worker Ed Norton (Epps) and bubbly wife Trixie (Hall) - live upstairs in their cramped, noisy tenement building.Alice and Trixie dream of a place of their own, but their plan to buy a spacious duplex is endangered by Ralph, who squanders the Kramdens' share of the down payment on his latest boneheaded ploy.Ralph and Ed then pin their hopes on a speedy greyhound abandoned in a trash bin, entering the dog in a race with a $20,000 purse.John Leguizamo ebulliently assaults his role as a manic con man who signs on to train the dog, by sheer energy almost wringing a chuckle or two out of the feeble material.Eric Stoltz, who co-starred in an indie film by director Schultz, may have signed on as a favor to play a sleazy developer competing for the duplex Alice and Trixie want to buy. It was no favor to Stoltz, who stiffly lumbers through a role so bland his presence barely registers.The most infuriating thing about the movie is that the lead quartet is fairly good together. Cedric's properly boorish and brazen, Union's a strong foil to his stridency, Epps is goofily Norton-ish and Hall's a sweet ditz. Give them some funny lines and situations and they could have delivered.