I'm not sure if you've noticed, but the holidays are just around the corner and sneaking up quicker than Britney Spears can file for another divorce.

Therefore, as a public service to you and this paper, I am going to help you and the gift-givers in your life. Below, please find an outline that will assist you in filling out your gift list.

It is designed so anyone can complete the list without being sued, chastised or belittled, while at the same time managing to be politically correct.

Simply follow the directions, copy when completed and disburse to your loved ones! Enjoy!

Dear: (loved one, cherished friend, open wallet)

The (select your holiday) season is here and I would like to assist you when purchasing my gift(s).

First of all, I (circle one) love/hate technology, so I do/do not want a(n) ____________________. However, I am dying to have a(n) ________________, but only if you can afford one.

Since we live in a day and age of political correctness and sterile gift-giving, please feel free to purchase me gift certificates from (if necessary, add more lines) ___________, ____________ and ___________, but not from _____________, unless you would like me to "re-gift" that back to you during our family grab bag.

Should the urge strike you to make a gift for me, I am allergic to (circle all that apply or include HMO card and a patient release form with letter): peanuts/gluten/work/computers/dust/milk/pollen/snow/daylight/all of the previous.

As a result, please avoid using any of the circled items above when making my gift.

Should the gift have any of the above-mentioned items, please feel free to contact (circle one) my attorney/my doctor/my pastor/my spouse/my therapist/my bookie so they can make the appropriate recommendations to my health desires.

As I (circle one) do/don't have children, please don't/do give me items that have small, intricate pieces made in faraway lands that follow international labor laws and are not involved in any current political embargoes by (insert your country here.)

Finally, should the urge strike you to make a donation to one of my favorite charities in lieu of a gift, I support the following organizations:

Democrats/Republicans/Independents/Pro-life/Pro-choice/stem cell research/no stem cell research/the war in Iraq (Iran, N. Korea, Cleveland)/The Big Ben Helmet Foundation/Britney Spears Divorce Fund or (organization of your choice here).

While I know these are tough/great times for you/me, I really do appreciate the thought that went into the gift you selected for me, knowing that it was purchased at a great local shop/Wal-Mart/via the Internet/for someone else/for me but "re-gifted."

I can only hope that the amount of time spent purchasing the gift rivaled the amount of time it took me to complete this list.

Sincerely,

___________________________

(your name above)