'Choice' children share bond
Until recently, Todd Whitehurst was known as Donor No. 2053 — at least by some women and children whose families were formed through a California sperm bank.
After an unexpected e-mail from one of his biological daughters, the California M.D. is now being called Todd, Dr. Todd — even "my dad" — by a medley of new faces, some resembling his own.
The group, three donor children and their mothers, gathered recently with Whitehurst and his 4-year-old daughter Kathryn for a vacation at Seven Springs Mountain Resort in Champion.
Members of the group include Cheryl Shuler of Butler and her 12-year-old son, Gavin. Also included are Gavin's siblings, Tyler, 9, and Virginia, 14, along with both of their mothers.
The trip was prompted by a meeting in May in Los Angeles, where the ABC News program "Primetime" shot video footage of the families seeing Todd for the first time. But visiting their rental condo makes it hard to believe the group just met.
Sprawled on the living room sofa, the children wrestle, bicker and tickle feet instead of only chatting online.
"About Gavin: He talks better than he writes," Tyler says. "But he doesn't talk that good either."
"Tyler, I'm going to beat you up after this."
"Were you like this with your brothers?" Tyler's mother says to Whitehurst.
"Oh yeah. A little more violent, really."
The siblings initially made contact last summer through the Sibling Donor Registry, an online site where they linked through shared sperm donor numbers.The site had been featured in recent print and television stories.The contact piqued Virginia's curiosity about the missing link in her genetic puzzle, so her subsequent spare time included poking for online clues about Whitehurst."Until last year I never actually searched for him," said Virginia, who lives in the San Francisco Bay area."It was just kind of a thing to do on the Internet."By reviewing Whitehurst's donor profile, a document prospective mothers use in the screening process, Virginia learned he was a Stanford University alumnus born in 1965.A search of the university alumni directory helped narrow the search to seven former graduate students who majored in bioengineering. Her aunt, also a member of the alumni association, helped her through the process."We chose the one that looked most like me," Virginia said, explaining that in addition to the resemblance, she was taken by the humor reflected in Whitehurst's biography."He had a funny outlook.""When I e-mailed him I was pretty cautious. "I said, (I want to know) if you're Donor No. 2053."Whitehurst responded without hesitation, agreeing to make himself known."I was pretty surprised he reacted the way he did. ... At most I was expecting to know my grandparents' names," Virginia said.From Whitehurst's perspective, the contact was not unwelcome — just premature. As part of the sperm bank service, donors can opt to make their identities available to offspring once they turn 18.Always open about being a donor, Whitehurst was among those willing to eventually be contacted."I was very happy — certainly surprised," he said, alluding to Virginia's age.At first he suspected the e-mail could be a prank, but Virginia's photograph revealed a strong resemblance — also an unfamiliar writing style."It was written much better than any of my friends could have ever written," he quipped. "Most of my friends are engineers."Although some friends warned Whitehurst about risks of making contact, he recalls no trepidation about meeting his biological children."Friends of mine seemed to think I should (be cautious). But what do they know? There's very little precedent for this."Growing up as donor children, Virginia, Gavin and Tyler also cite a lack of precedent.And always knowing the facts of their conception, the siblings say their decision to meet Whitehurst was not motivated by the need to fill a family void. Although all are being raised by single parents, each child described that status as fact instead of a liability.Even in her search, Virginia was hoping for names, information — describing even one meeting with Whitehurst as an unexpected "bonus."
Although Shuler and the other mothers likewise agreed to the meeting, deliberation preceded their decision. Disappointment, rejection and false hopes were among the possible outcomes they weighed."In the beginning I didn't know," said Tyler's mother, Dawn Waite, who lives with Tyler near Syracuse, N.Y."Todd was a big concern for me, even though Tyler has strong male role models."What's that going to do to his self-esteem if (Todd) just sees Tyler one time: one and done?"But after discussions with Tyler, Waite decided it would be unfair to rob her son of knowing."He (now) refers to Todd as his biological father," she added. "So in his mind, he's drawn clear lines about the relationship."Both living in the Northeast, Shuler and Waite had arranged for a rendezvous in Erie prior to the "Primetime" taping, which was aired last month. The outing at a water park there helped to break the ice."It was after that weekend Tyler started referring to Gavin as his 'brother from another mother,'" Waite laughed.Before the weekend of the taping, which Gavin in hindsight describes as "cool," the Shulers also talked.The children had already corresponded with Whitehurst and each other online, eventually installing Web cams to make the exchanges more personal."I told my mom I would give my vacation up at Disney World so I could go to meet them," Gavin said.While in Los Angeles for the taping, Gavin ended up at Disneyland with Whitehurst and the others."They're pretty awesome, but Disney World is pretty awesome, too," Gavin joked."It was exciting."Members of the group say despite their short time together, interaction was comfortable — more so than they expected."Really we were only with these people for a day and a half," Shuler noted."I just felt like I'd known them forever."
After the show aired on July 10, the members had some small regrets: The short clip of their meeting was overshadowed by the sperm donor story of a male model, possibly suggesting that "choice" mothers use donor profiles to increase their chances of having beautiful children. Although photos or baby photos are sometimes now part of donor profiles, the practice is relatively new.Blog reactions also criticized their choice, expressing opinions that ranged between fear that donor siblings might unknowingly marry each other to moral judgment about choosing to raise fatherless children."It's a hard decision to make in the first place," said Shuler, who had a plan for donor insemination if still uninvolved at age 38."We all have that dream of meeting Mr. Right,"she said. "When you decide to do this, you're giving all that up. I think there was a mourning period for me that I wasn't going to have that."Waite agreed, defending her choice as more respectable than conception through one-night stands, which often occurs accidentally."There's no 'oops' about it," she said, adding she had tried to conceive multiple times."I wanted him to know that he was wanted: that he's here because he was definitely wanted."In deciding to meet in person, Whitehurst said it was easy to imagine the mothers and their children as people worth getting to know — taking into account the difficult steps each woman took to become a mother."All three are remarkable children," Whitehurst said."I think it reflects on the fact that their mothers wanted them that badly."<BR></BR>
Despite some criticisms, Virginia says she hopes their story will encourage other donors to make themselves known, if only for the purpose of providing updated medical information."We want more donors to come out of the dark," she said, pointing to a pen pal she has met through the Donor Sibling Registry who suffers from a brain cyst."It would be good for her to know medical information about her donor. She also would like to have a picture — to put with the number. I think many other children feel like that."Employed by a company in Santa Clarita that develops new medical devices, Whitehurst also supports that cause."On the registry there are quite a few people, but very few donors. There are very few still that seem to be open to meeting," he said."I think that is very unfortunate."In addition to the three children he has already met, Whitehurst knows of two others through the online registry. But so far, those families have taken no steps toward meeting. In addition to being a parent to Kathryn, Whitehurst has a 1-year-old son. He and their mother are divorced.As for his total number of biological children, Whitehurst suspects there are few others, since recent media attention has made the public aware of how to contact donor siblings.Either way, Whitehurst and his newfound relatives all say they have fallen into an easy rapport — and one they hope to continue."I don't have much in the way of expectations," Whitehurst said."I want to talk to them as much as I can, to see them as much as I can. We'll see where it goes."The rest of the group agrees, saying they hope to maintain their new connections."We really just enjoy being together. There's a lot of laughter, a lot of teasing,"Shuler said."I think at this point it doesn't matter how we came together. What matters is we are together."
