Former superhero Jack (Tim Allen, right) is called back to work to transform an unlikely group of ragtag kids including Spencer Breslin, back, and Ryan Newman into superheroes.

If Tim Allen really were a superhero, his name would be Blandman. His power: turn even the most innocuous kiddie movie into something nearly unwatchable.

He has a lot of help in "Zoom," a rip-off of 2004's "Sky High" that features tedious, pint-sized superheroes and a bunch of well-known adults who should have known better. Has Courteney Cox really blown through her "Friends" rerun residuals this fast?

Allen's Jack Shepard was once known as Zoom, a Flash-like, real-life comic book hero who could run lightning fast. Today he's a paunchy wiseacre who uses his few remaining powers to mix drinks with an oscillating index finger.

He's brought out of retirement by the government, represented here by Rip Torn in Patton mode and Chevy Chase as a Nobel-winning scientist and bumbler. Both have a sketchy history with Jack, who won't forgive them for blasting him with gamma rays 30 years ago.

The jolt was supposed to heighten the powers of Zoom and his team but only messed with the head of brother Connor, aka Concussion (Kevin Zegers), who used his sonic boom talents for evil. Sentenced to the earth's core, Concussion is now heading back for revenge, meaning a new team must be formed.

An audition montage features a superfarter and a kid who can blow a massive snot bubble. The finalists include superstrong 6-year-old Cindy (Ryan Newman) and 12-year-old Tucker (Spencer Breslin), nicknamed the Incredible Bulk because he can expand any part of his body to 100 times its original size.

In the angsty teen department, Summer (Kate Mara) can move things with her mind. Dylan (Michael Cassidy) bucks authority by becoming invisible.

Concussion is the only one with semi-cool skills, and these don't surface until he does, at the end of the movie's mercifully short 83 minutes.

Allen doesn't act in a movie like "Zoom." He simply shows up. The hint that the gamma rays made him impotent could have provided an emotional subtext, but the idea is just another lazy Allen aside.

If anything saves "Zoom," it's the kid-friendly focus. You can sense Allen holding back from double entendres in his on-screen courting of Cox. The movie opts for gross-outs, instead. The snot bubble that explodes over Chase's face is just one example of the indignities heaped on the cast — and ultimately the audience.

<B>TITLE:</B> "Zoom"<B>DIRECTOR:</B> Peter Hewitt<B>CAST:</B> Tim Allen, Courteney Cox, Michael Cassidy, Kate Mara, Spencer Breslin<B>RATING:</B> PG for gross humor, action violence<B>GRADE:</B> 1 Star (out of five)