Tom Hanks and Audrey Tautou star in Columbia Pictures´ suspense thriller "The Da Vinci Code," the controversial film adaptation of Dan Brown's novel.

The words "hooey" and "nonsense" came out of Tom Hanks' mouth last week in reference to "The Da Vinci Code" — the little movie he stars in, based on the little book with more than 60 million copies in print.

He should have added the word "snoozy."

As directed by Ron Howard, from a screenplay by Akiva Goldsman, this seemingly interminable hash of holy huggermugger takes the thrill out of thriller, and then some.

No doubt Hanks' interview in a London newspaper was intended to quiet the storm over Dan Brown's potboiling stew of theology, art history and skullduggery, an affable actor's effort to deflect the cries of blasphemy that have surrounded the book, and now the film.

The central premise — not to give anything away here, in case you fell down a well three years ago and just recently got out — strikes at the very foundation of Christian belief. Brown also strikes at the very foundation of what's commonly considered good writing, but that's another story.

Crisscrossing Europe and flashbacking to the Crusades, ancient Rome, the Age of Enlightenment, and the fuzzy childhood memories of "Amelie" star Audrey Tautou (OK, Tautou's character, a French police cryptologist), "Da Vinci" screeches to a halt — over and over again.

Whether it's Hanks' Professor Robert Langdon offering loping lectures on religious symbology, or Tautou's Sophie Neveu recalling her grandfather's strange, cultish religious gatherings, or Ian McKellen's Sir Leigh Teabing gassing on about the Knights Templar, or the reliably ratty Jean Reno taking time to explain that the outfit he works for is "a kind of French FBI," "The Da Vinci Code" is lethally long-winded, full of biblical backstory and Art Appreciation thumbnails.

And for what? For a caper, a scavenger hunt, a fancy-pants mystery that brings together Leonardo's "Mona Lisa" and "Last Supper," Fibonacci number games, Sir Isaac Newton, various pontiffs, a Catholic sect of self-flagellating ascetics, various cryptic citations, one vial of vinegar, and, yes, the legendary Holy Grail. If only Monty Python and their coconuts had made an appearance!

Hanks, with his weird coif (a kind of brainy guy's mullet) and squintily serious visage, has never been duller, which makes the movie's most laughable line doubly apt. Running around Paris, chased by cops and an albino killer monk (Paul Bettany, deploying his baby blues to ominous effect), the good professor and his pert policewoman pal are trying to figure out the anagrams drawn in blood on the floor of the Louvre. With great urgency, Robert exclaims: "I need to get to a library — fast!"

("The Dewey Decimal Code" — the second greatest coverup in human history?)Runner-up unintentional howler: The professor and Sophie arrive at the chateau of Sir Leigh Teabing (read: Surly Teabag) in the French countryside. They offer a breathless recap to the Grail historian about the curator corpse, the fleur de lis key, the safe deposit box, the armored car getaway, and that pesky albino killer monk.Says the debonair Sir Ian: "You two are anything but dull."Au contraire!McKellen, Hanks and Tautou — and Alfred Molina, as a bishop with an agenda — are no slouches when it comes to emoting, but screenwriter Goldsman's faithful interpretation of Brown's flatfooted prose stylings is the filmic equivalent of putting big chewy baguettes in the actors' maws. Words don't roll off the tongue, they kerplunk. And there's a crusty residue.That said, the legions of fans responsible for "The Da Vinci Code's" best-seller status can sleep tight (you can start in the theaters), safe in the knowledge that Howard, Goldsman and company have not gummed up Brown's plot, or twisted its conspiratorial revelations out of whack. With only minor alterations, "Da Vinci Code" the movie is a faithful adaptation of "Da Vinci Code the book."In a move that has been analyzed and scrutinized almost as much as the runes and rituals in Brown's tome, Sony Pictures opted not to screen "The Da Vinci Code" for the media until just a few days ago, the week of its release. The "awareness" numbers were already through the roof, and executives said that they didn't want to get rumors and spoilers buzzing on the Internet, that they wanted to preserve the climate of mystery and anticipation around the movie.Well, want to know a deep, dark secret? The real reason the studio took the unprecedented step of keeping the lid on its summer blockbuster until it had no choice but to unscrew it and let it out?Here it is: "The Da Vinci Code" may be controversial and even heretical — but worse still it's plodding, tedious and deathly dull.