One of the few good things to be said about "Assault on Precinct 13" is that, early in the new season, we get one of the year's worst movies over and done with.

Remaking an original "B" movie is not like multiplying two negative numbers together in math. It does not miraculously create a positive.

This laughably bad shoot-'em-up is vicious when it's not merely implausible, maddening when it's not merely ridiculous. If Congress resolves to do something useful in the next session, they should stop bothering with French wines and cheeses, and consider restricting the imports of first-time directors like Jean-Francois Richet. Or at least hold up his visa while he reconsiders his gun fetish.

Perhaps "Precinct 13" was more believable back in the dark ages of the '70s, when entire nations could disappear off the map and people might not hear of it for days.

In the age of cell phones, wireless Internet and insomniac bloggers, the idea of rogue SWAT units summoning assault helicopters and then spending hours firing machine guns and grenade launchers at a Detroit police station - with no outsider bothering to notice - is more Kevlar than I can chew in one sitting.

John Carpenter's low-budget, high-action original had gang members attacking a decrepit Los Angeles police station to free a jailed buddy. The French twist for the modern era is to have cops breaking in: Police have captured soulless Detroit drug lord Laurence Fishburne; he's ready to spill his guts to about 50 members of an elite organized crime unit who also happen to be on his payroll. So the bad cops, led by Gabriel Byrne hope to break in, kill Fishburne and the idealist police officers trying to protect him, and finish in time to watch Michigan lose in the Rose Bowl again on New Year's Day.

How far the admirable Ethan Hawke has fallen here from the sophisticated conversation of "Before Sunset." He's the sad-sack sergeant trying to keep Precinct 13 together and his prisoners alive.The way we meet Hawke's character, Jake Roenick, is actually a promising opening to the movie: He's an undercover drug cop trying to outwit Russian thugs, losing two partners in the process. Months later, the guilt-ridden Jake has been pulled back to a desk job, closing down the tattered old precinct building before they move to a new cop shop.But Richet and screenwriter James DeMonaco quickly descend to a seediness that even Old Detroit might not deserve. Fishburne is seen slaying a cop in a church pew, during a service, with a pen, which he had previously used to fill out a crossword puzzle, which was hidden inside a hymnal. To get a love interest, they make Maria Bello a police psychologist; she must visit Jake for therapy on Friday, which is New Year's Eve, which means doc has to wear a cocktail dress on the coldest day of the year.When Jake gets the brilliant idea of letting the prisoners have guns to defend themselves, they raid the evidence room, which is full of guns, including a Prohibition-era tommy gun. Naturally, it is still loaded. The rapid influx of machine guns allows the filmmakers to follow a basic rule in poorly conceived action movies, that the more professional killers you cram into a tiny room with automatic weapons blazing away, the less likely they are to actually hit anyone.And what's the best way to escape an ancient police station? Through a sewer tunnel! We gratefully acknowledge the assistance of the Anywhere-but-Detroit Tourism Board in making this film.Just when you think "Assault" has fired its last round from a supersized magazine of movie clichis, the survivors escape to the nearby ... woods. Yes, a little known secret of Motor City real estate is that the industrial section is ringed by old-growth forests, which require the use of night-vision goggles. Who knew?Near the end, Jake utters another well-roasted police chestnut: "I'll draw their fire!"He certainly will. Good night, and good luck.