It’s Christmas Eve and you know what that means: time to get those last-minute gifts.

If any of you are still shopping for me and can’t figure out what to get, here’s a list:

The real NFL back — I’m not really sure what this is that I’m watching Sunday afternoons ... and Sunday nights ... and Monday nights ... and Thursday nights ... but it’s not the NFL I remember.

In the NFL I remember, you were allowed to tackle people. Players weren’t fined $7,536.48 for a legal hit and/or block. The officials knew what they were doing. And games weren’t played in Toronto or London.

Here’s a nice little stocking stuffer: Roger Goodell’s resignation letter.

A real college football playoff — We’re getting closer to this, but we are still far away from an exciting tournament system that college football desperately needs.

The only drawbacks would be the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl would be mashed and having no Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl would make be blue.

Sacrifices, though, must be made.

A real quarterback for the Buffalo Bills — Really? Is this so hard?

The Bills have had a billion shots at picking a franchise quarterback since East Brady gunslinger Jim Kelly retired and they have whiffed. Whiffed on every single one of ‘em.

Todd Collins. Whiff. J.P. Losman. Double whiff. Trent Edwards. Concussed whiff. Levi Brown. Who’s that whiff. And perhaps the latest whiff, E.J. Manuel, balky knee whiff.

It’s too early to call Manuel a bust, but he really hasn’t shown any signs of being the franchise quarterback. Or staying on the field.

When Thad Lewis is your best QB, you have problems.

And to think, the Bills took cornerback Aaron Williams in the second round of the 2011 draft when Andy Dalton and Colin Kaepernick were sitting there for them. The Bengals and 49ers snatched them up with the next two picks.

Ugh.

A pony — That’s the 5-year-old me talking.

A Cowboys loss to the Eagles next week — Not that I like the Eagles, per se, but my disdain for the Cowboys and everyone in that organization is so strong.

The CPU to quit calling a timeout on Madden with 1:01 remaining — Those who play Madden know what I am talking about.

An NBA franchise in Pittsburgh — So I can boo LeBron James after only a 45-minute drive instead of a 120-minute one.

The Cleveland Browns to make the playoffs one day — So I can laugh when they blow it in the AFC Championship game. The Bernie Kosar years. Now, that was a blast.

For everyone to have a joyous holiday — Enough said.

Mike Kilroy is a staff writer for the Butler Eagle.