Several weeks ago, I went to my new gym to explore my physical and spiritual health. “Believe in you” was just that.

What do I now believe? Age 78 — Butler County resident. Wear your bifocals on the treadmill, Johnny Boy. You might pass “fast instead of slow.” I was briefly airborne, as I hung on dearly and wore my pants to fabric heat.

“Help me! Help me!”

My crash landing to the seating bench, lost my entrance fob, sent articles flying and other “believers” rushed to help. “Are you OK?” “Are you OK?” While none of my audience laughed, “my bare buttocks” stood in the limelight. I staggered to the door, red faced — red knees! — “I’m not able to talk, I’m bleeding …”

The owner was there, and his dear wife called on me at home later. Well, I thanked them both, I will be coming back, and we all know, Johnny is no Chippendale!

John Patrus,

Middlesex Township