There's nothing we can't handle
They’re not locusts, but they might as well be.
Billions of beady-eyed cicadas digging their way out of the soil in 15 Eastern states this spring after 17 years of creepily tunneling around underground, definitely feels like a biblical-type plague on the horizon. A plague on top of the plague we’re already in, that is.
The insects aren’t even the only thing we have to worry about after this long, bleak pandemic winter of our discontent.
The “Zombie Preparedness Guide” developed by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is making the rounds again online.
Yes, you read that right: “again.” It turns out there’s been a zombie preparedness page on the CDC site since at least 2011.
But while the self-described “tongue-in-cheek campaign” (which includes such helpful advice as “pick a meeting place for your family to regroup in case zombies invade your home”) got some attention when it debuted a decade ago, its time is clearly right now.
Whether it’s murder hornets, mask mandates, or hundreds of people storming the Capitol on a belief that Satan-worshipping pedophiles were undermining Donald Trump’s presidency, there has never been a more surreal year in modern American history.
Since the first COVID-19 lockdowns one year ago, we have been hit with one unbelievable scenario after another. We don’t even flinch at news of the weird anymore.
Swarms of insects are set to invade the outdoors, you say? The one place where it’s solidly safe to socialize? Actual locusts have been wreaking havoc in some African countries, destroying crops and livelihoods for months now. Crunching cicadas beneath your feet is nothing compared to that.
Shuttered schools? Yawn.
Ballpark seats populated with cardboard cutouts? Shrug.
Donning plastic face shields and hazmat suits to take a flight? Yeah, yeah.
Capacity limits at Target? People brawling over toilet paper? Virtual funerals, weddings and divorces? Monoliths appearing and disappearing in scenic locales? The Pentagon releasing video footage of UFOs? A “firenado” in California? Mystery seeds mailed from China? The return of the “Christmas star” after nearly 800 years?
What’s a zombie apocalypse after all that?
Getting to today, with three vaccines in circulation and case counts falling, is an achievement. Take a moment to remember that. Then plan your zombie evacuation route.
Tricia Bishop is The Baltimore Sun’s opinion editor.
