There are some subtleties about the World Cup, and soccer in general, that I just don't get.

Maybe it's because I grew up in the United States, where professional soccer is way down on the totem pole of popularity.

Perhaps it is because I grew up in a small Ohio town in the late 1970s and early 1980s when there just weren't any opportunities to play and enjoy the sport.

Because of those things, soccer is just lost on me.

I tried to watch the World Cup this week. I was mildly curious about the great England-United States tilt — I billed it in my head as the rematch of the Revolutionary War.

Still, it was all fizzle for me.

While I was watching, I made a list in my head of what disconcerted me about the event:

•

Ties. The great Revolutionary War rematch pitting England vs. the United States ended in a tie.How anticlimactic. Imagine if the war for independence ended in a draw?In fact, as I gaze at the World Cup results Tuesday night, I count six ties out of the 14 matches played so far — two deadlocks by 0-0, er, nil-nil scores.If I am going to invest several hours watching a sporting event, I want someone to win.That's what is so great about high school soccer playoffs. Someone is eventually going to win — and someone will lose. This tie stuff in the World Cup has to go.•

The vuvuzela. At first I thought a swarm of killer South African bees was attacking the World Cup.Then I discovered it was just the fans blowing on this obnoxious noise maker.In the United States, making obnoxious noises at a sporting event is a big no-no. Yet in the World Cup, the more fingernails-on-the-chalk-board grating the better.Good thing my TV has a mute button.•

Weak goal scoring. Goals are down and the ones that have been scored have been less than spectacular.The United States' only goal against England came when Brit goalie Rob Green went all Bill Buckner and let the soccer ball slip through his hands and roll into the net.I blame the gloves — or Lady Gaga. I'm not sure yet. Green's gloves, though, looked more like oven mitts. No wonder he couldn't hang on to the ball.•

It's called football. That confuses me. In the rest of the world, it's fine to call soccer football, but not in America.•

More controversies than goals. Between the grousing over the vuvuzela (for good reason), the TV coverage and even the ball itself, it's been non-stop.Fans who don't have a vuvuzela hate the vuvuzela (for good reason), some matches are not being televised in the home countries and every single player hates the official ball.Toss in mild controversies about corporate sponsorship and Dutch women shilling for a brewery by wearing orange mini-skirts in an ambush marketing campaign and football, er, soccer is getting lost in the wash.And I'm changing the channel.Mike Kilroy is a staff writer for the Butler Eagle.