Pig Ben.

Just when you think you know a guy, just when you think you have a dude pegged, he turns into Leisure Suit Larry.

I'm talking about everyone's second-favorite letch — Tiger Woods is still No. 1 until further notice — Ben Roethlisberger.

The Steelers quarterback has this whole creep thing down pat. He's right up there with Jack Tripper's best friend, Larry Dallas, and Laverne and Shirley stalkers Lenny and Squiggy.

Pig Ben further reinforced his sleazeball persona by showing up to the locker room to read his "statement" Monday with long, slicked-back hair that would have made Mark Madden proud.

All that was missing was the tufts of chest hair poking through his buttoned-down red shirt and 10 pounds of gold chains around his neck.

At least he cleaned himself up for his meeting with Roger Goodell Tuesday. He sported a buzz cut and a nice suit.

The Steelers and their fans can only hope the new image isn't just superficial.

Luckily, I have obtained Pig Ben's itinerary for Tuesday, the first day of the rest of his sleaze-free life (hopefully).

It's a process. Baby steps, Ben, baby steps:

My day of desleazing myself:•

7 a.m. — Wake up — alone. Call every woman I have ever wronged (allegedly).•

7:30 a.m. — Give up calling every woman I have ever wronged (allegedly), realizing I will never get through the list before the preseason. Eat breakfast. Read the 8 million columns about what a cad I have been.•

7:45 a.m. — Read Pirates box score. Brian Burres? Who is that? Man, I wish I could be that anonymous again.•

8 a.m. — Call Tiger Woods to ask how he did it (not the picking up chicks part, but the not picking up chicks part).•

9 a.m. — Go to the hair salon. Ask stylist for the Peyton Manning cut. No one is suing Peyton.•

10 a.m. — Take a nap — this being good stuff is hard.•

11 a.m. — Break up with entourage. Good boys are surrounded by friends. Bad boys are surrounded by an entourage.•

11:15 a.m. — Join eHarmony.com. Maybe one of my 29 Dimensions of Compatibility will be appealing to someone over the age of 20 who isn't wearing beer goggles.•

12:30 p.m. — Take ride on motorcycle. Put on helmet first. See, I learned that lesson, and I will learn this one, too.•

1 p.m. — Call Bobby Crosby and tell him to change his number to 87. Maybe babes will confuse him for the other Crosby in town who wears No. 87 and he'll get more action.•

1:10 p.m. — Repent for that slip. Old habits die hard.•

2 p.m. — Meet with warden, er, commissioner Goodell. Tell him what a good boy I will be from now on. Promise to represent the NFL and the Steelers as an upstanding citizen. Ask him, if he is going to suspend me, make it for the Baltimore Ravens game.•

8 p.m. — Go to Chuck E. Cheese instead of the nightclub.•

10 p.m. — Turn in for the night. Good boys don't stay up late.