Interfaith families make seasons work
DETROIT — The exterior of the D'Amore-Braver home glows with sparkling Christmas lights, adding a festive flair to their street in a Troy, Mich., subdivision.
Inside, on a recent Monday evening, Arnie and Andrea and their two sons, Alex and Andrew, string lights and place bows and ornaments to adorn the Christmas tree between their living and dining rooms.
A new blue-and-white tablecloth imprinted with menorahs, stars of David and dreidels — symbols of Hanukkah — covers the circular coffee table in the living room. Atop it sits a display of five menorahs — most of them made by Alex and Andrew over the years.
While they decorate, the family listens to a CD that — like their decorations — celebrates both Christianity and Judaism.
While many families are getting ready for the busy holiday season, the challenges multiply for those in which the spouses are of different faiths, like the D'Amore-Bravers.
Arnie D'Amore-Braver, 55, is Jewish. His wife, Andrea D'Amore-Braver, 48, was raised Catholic.
The family attends the Birmingham Temple in Farmington Hills, Mich., but celebrates both Christmas and Hanukkah, the Jewish holiday that begins at sundown Friday.
Like other interfaith couples, they have found that sharing in and respecting each other's faiths and traditions keeps the spirit of the season alive in their households. Rather than diminishing one religion or the other, observing both holidays allows them to learn about and experience other cultures. Plus, it doubles the fun.
More than 28 million adults — 22 percent of all couples married or living together — were in mixed-religion unions in 2001, according to a book released this year, "Religion in A Free Market" (Paramount Market Publishing, $49.95) by professors Barry Kosmin and Ariela Keysar of Trinity College in Hartford, Conn.
The percentage of Jews married outside their faith rose from only 13 percent before 1970 to approximately 47 percent in 2001, based on data from the National Jewish Population Survey 2000-01, sponsored by the United Jewish Communities, the organization representing North American Jewish federations and communities.
"The reasons relate to the greater assimilation of Jews in the general culture," says Micah Sachs, managing editor of InterfaithFamily.com. "There has been a decline in anti-Semitism. And in the last 10 to 15 years, at least, the general culture has promoted more multi culturalism, and there's been greater geographic mobility of people of all faiths."
Different families have different approaches to the December holidays.
The Chandra family of Farmington Hills celebrates Christmas because that's the tradition for Sherri Chandra, who was raised a Methodist. Her husband, Jim Chandra, is Hindu. The two biggest religious holidays, called pujas, among Hindu people of Bengali descent like Jim are Durga Puja and Saraswati Puja. The Chandras and their three children — Anjali, 9; Kayley, 7, and Dustin, 1 — celebrate them with as much enthusiasm as they celebrate Christmas.
"My mom used to say, 'It's just different paths to the same person,"' says Jim Chandra, who attended Catholic schools while growing up in India. "There's no conflict. Christmas is a national holiday in India."
The Karim family of Detroit does things a little differently. Isaac Karim, 68, a Muslim, does not celebrate Christmas, but he buys gifts during the Christmas season for his wife of 26 years, Barbara, 64, who is Baptist."As a matter of fact, she often times insists on it. You know how you women are; you run the world," he says.Karim joins his wife's family for Christmas dinner, but leaves decorating their home to Barbara Karim. She goes to the Muslim Center of Detroit, where he worships, for special events.He feels no qualms or conflicts about living in a home decked in Christmas finery."A few of my buddies were just discussing this," he says recently. "In Islam, we believe that God is in control of everything. So that means he controls all religions. So I don't have a conflict with any other religions. Christmas comes and goes. The key thing in any relationship is communication and keeping an open mind."Rabbi Miriam Jerris of the Society of Humanistic Judaism, also runs the Wedding Connection, a company that offers counseling and helps plan ceremonies for interfaith and other couples.When it comes to making relationships work during the holidays or at other times there's no one right answer, she says.She advises couples to talk about the issues facing them, then devise their own traditions based on what works for them. She says celebrating both traditions doesn't diminish one religion or the other."The difficulty with some couples is that if you force a spouse to choose, one of them has to deny who they are and he or she may end up with feelings of resentment, loss and mourning."The vast majority of Jewish-Christian couples who are raising their children as Jews celebrate both holidays, according to a survey released this month by the online information and support group, www.interfaithfamily.com.They treat Christmas more as a cultural celebration and Hanukkah more as a religious observance.The Chandras regularly attend the Church of Today West, a Unity church in Farmington Hills that honors all faith traditions. But they also occasionally attend the Hindu temples in Canton and Troy. And they regularly participate in the Hindu holiday celebrations.The couple had a Hindu wedding ceremony at a Hindu temple in Detroit in 1993; the following day they had a Christian ceremony in a Ferndale church."The faiths may be different, but the values are the same. That's what matters," says Sherri Chandra, who's now a stay-at-home mom; Jim is now a product manager for GMC.The D'Amore-Braver family will celebrate Hanukkah beginning Friday.Then as in past years, they'll attend Christmas Eve services at a Lutheran church where good friends are members.On Christmas Day, they'll likely have dinner with Andrea's family after the children have opened the presents under the tree.Their gifts on Christmas morning will be the second set of presents. They also get gifts for each night of Hanukkah."That's what I like," says 8-year-old Andrew. "I get double the presents."
