The following is an excerpt from "T.O. for Dummies,"

Written by Bill Parcells for the next poor coach who will have to put up with him.Congratulations on your acquisition of T.O.! He is a complicated, controversial, but explosive receiver.I'm sure last season you could have used a real playmaker at wideout. I'm sure on that third-and-long play with time running down and your team down by six, you wished you had ol' No. 81 lined up out there.Well, here you go. Thank me later.He'll be a playmaker for you when he's not:• Spitting on the opposition.• Doing sit-ups in his driveway.• Riding a stationary bike in practice.• Dropping passes.• Doing interviews with Michael Irvin.You can get over all of that, though, because he will make a dazzling play at least once a game, and he still has a nose for the end zone.But you have to handle him a certain way. He's not like other players. In fact, he is "the player."Before you fire up your T.O. and hit the field for the first time, you need to know how to get the most out of him on the field (and the least out of him off of it).• Don't look at him.• Don't speak to him.• Don't call him by name. If you have to refer to him in a sentence, call him "the player," or "him," or "that guy." Just don't use his name.• Pretend he doesn't exist.T.O. — whoops, I mean "that guy," goes against every coaching logic that has been ingrained in your brain since you led that midget football team to the title when you were first starting out.You were taught to have the same rules for everyone. Not so fast, my friend! To get the most out of "your player," you need to formulate rules just for him.• Let him leave town for his birthday party.• If he falls asleep in a meeting, ah, who cares.• When he tells an interviewer (that would be either Michael Irvin or Deion Sanders — he doesn't talk to anyone else anymore) that he sometimes goes through the motions, don't have a cow.Those antics are par for the course for T.O. — shoot, I did it again — "the player."It's all part of his M.O.There are certain things you can't do with your new player.• Expect him to go two weeks without saying and/or doing something stupid.• Give anyone else credit.• Change a game. He's getting old. Those days may just be over.• Count on him.There are no returns on this item. Buyer beware. I would say that in Latin, but I'm a football coach. I speak X's and O's.You wanted him. You have to keep him until:• He wants out.• You would rather have Dennis Northcutt.Neither one should take long.Once again, congratulations — and good luck.You're going to need it.