Found in the garbage can at former San Diego Chargers' coach Marty Schottenheimer's house:

To: Mr. Dean Spanos

From: Marty

Dear Mr. Spanos,

How's it going? Hey, I haven't picked up the papers lately and was curious how things were going? Again, I'm sorry about our 24-21 first-round loss to New England. But hey, 14-2 in the regular season and a lot of potential for the 2007 season, things were looking bright. Right?

I mean, LaDainian Tomlinson is a monster. An NFL record 31 touchdowns last season. After one-fourth of the season, he must have about 1,000 yards and eight or 10 touchdowns by now. And you guys must be 4-0 and blowing the AFCWest Division away.

Let me grab my paper and take a look-see.

Whoa! Hey, you guys are 1-3. What have you done? I built that team from nothing and built it into something great. Even though my defensive coordinator, Wade Phillips, took the Dallas Cowboys' job and my defensive coordinator, Cam Cameron, went to Miami, I was still confident we could do great things.

Then, A.J. Smith, your current general manager, and I didn't communicate for two seasons, and you took his side and fired me.

Me! I have a 200-126-1 record. I've had two losing seasons in 20 years. What we're you thinking?

I turned around the Cleveland Browns. The Cleveland Browns! I was 44-27 in five years, with The Drive and The Fumble against John Elway and the Denver Broncos from going to the Super Bowl two years in a row.

At Kansas City (101-58-1 in 10 years), I had just one losing season, (1998, my last year at 7-9), and I had six double-digit win seasons.

After three years off, I took a horrendous Washington Redskins team and willed them to an 8-8 season before they dumped me for Florida Gators coach Steve Spurrier. That worked out well, huh?

The following year I came to San Diego, which was in horrible shape since its Super Bowl year in 1995. After 8-8 and 4-12 seasons, we went 35-13 over the past three years, including two AFC West titles.

We had a good young quarterback in Philip Rivers, a fine tight end in Antonio Gates and one of the best defenses in the league.

This season, the team has allowed more than 25 points per game. Last year, we allowed nine — and that was without Shawne Merriman for four games. Norv Turner's a nice enough guy, but he's never won anywhere.

Sure, I'm 5-13 in the playoffs — including nine first-round losses — and I've lost six straight playoff games dating back to 1993 — but I'll bring a team together, win and get to the playoffs. From there, I've proven it's a crapshoot, but hey, I'm long overdue. Bill Cowher finally won. Same with Tony Dungy. It's my turn.

The more I think about it, the more I wouldn't mind coming back. Consider this my interest in becoming your next head coach. We just have to find a way to dump Norv.

You know, on second thought, I'll just keep looking. Let me turn around Buffalo, Detroit, Houston, Atlanta or Minnesota. It's what I do best.

You look like you have your hands full now, explaining why you got rid of me and turning it around again. Good luck with that.

Sam Tallarico is a staff writer for the Butler Eagle.