There are lots of things that confuse me.

The theory of relativity makes my head hurt. How "The Simpsons" has lasted nearly 20 years makes blood come out of my ears, and Amy Winehouse makes all my thought processes cease, sort of like Amy Winehouse in her natural state.

You would think things would get clearer for me when I delve into the world of sports.

After all, sports are pretty clear cut. Three outs and the inning is over. Puck hits the net, goal. Pirates play the Brewers, instant "L."

Not so fast, my friend.

Some things in sports kill just as many brain cells as Albert Einstein's theories ever could.

Consider:

• Yahoo! Sports. In their major league baseball scoring summaries, home runs are always written this way: "David Wright homered to deep right."

As if David Wright could homer to "shallow right." Well, I guess he could if he played in the new Yankees Stadium.

• Dudes (and dudettes) throwing out first pitches that would make Steve Blass look like Greg Maddux.

Please. If you can't get the baseball within the Zip code of the catcher, stay at home.

The baseball landscape is littered with horrible first pitches, but the Cincinnati mayor takes first prize in the "Worst First Pitch of All Time" contest.

He uncorked a first pitch that bounced 30 feet up the first-base line.

Check it out on YouTube. Watch it twice, three times, 50 times. It never gets old.

Just once, I'd like to see a celebrity or politician throw an 80 mph fastball on the black of the plate with his or her first pitch.

• Lenny Dykstra, financial guru. Need I say more?

To me, that's like saying Attila the Hun, peacemaker. Or Alex Rodriguez, role model.

• Players who wear their baseball hat crooked. CC Sabathia has made me spend hours trying to find a way to construct a portal through my television onto the pitching mound so I can straighten his cap.

I haven't found one, yet.

• Stupid statistics. Who led major league baseball in holds last season? Scott Shields is the answer with 31.

How about runs created per 27 outs? Get you slide rule ready.

All you have to do to figure out this handy stat is follow this equation:

[(Hits + walks + HBP - caught stealing - grounded into double play) times (Total bases + .26[walks - intentional walks + HBP] + .52[sacrifice hits + sacrifice flies + stolen bases])] divided by (AB + BB + HBP + SH+ SF).Wow. I think I just invented warp drive? Either that, or I've just proven the string theory.More likely, though, I just reaffirmed that Brandon Moss is indeed in a slump.Mike Kilroy is a staff writer for the Butler Eagle.