Oh, if only I could throw a ball 90 mph.

If only I could steal 60 bases, hit 40 home runs or even bat a mere .194 like Carlos Pena.

I’d be rich beyond my wildest dreams, because Major League Baseball owners have fallen off the Frugal Wagon — big time.

Some of the biggest deals since the last strike of the World Series: Troy Tulowitzki, $158 million; Adrian Gonzalez, $154 million (agreed to, but not to be signed until after the first of the year to avoid that nasty luxury tax); Carl Crawford, $142 million; Jayson Werth, $126 million, Cliff Lee $120 million.

That’s $700 million of guaranteed scratch to five players over the next five to six seasons.

Even the Yankees, who seem to heat their offices by burning $100 bills, are shaking their collective heads about all the cabbage being spent.

The only reason the Yanks are up in arms is because they are getting beat at their own game — and don’t like it one bit.

They tried to lowball Derek Jeter so they could have more money to throw at Crawford and Lee, but lost out on both coveted free agents anyway.

Now they are boo-hooing about it.

If there is any team that should be crying foul it’s the Tampa Bay Rays, who had no shot to keep Crawford.

To make matters worse, the Rays are looking to deal one of their top pitchers, Matt Garza, because they know they have no chance to retain him, either. They also are facing the prospect of finishing third in the American League East behind the Red Sox and Yankees year after year after year because their pockets aren’t nearly as deep as those two clubs.

And then you have the Pirates, who can only dream of having $100 million to spend on its entire roster, let alone four or five players every season.

The Bucs are being smart, though. Money isn’t the be-all, end-all of winning in any pro sport. They have been shrewd enough to go out and get serviceable guys like Lyle Overbay, Matt Diaz, Kevin Correia and Scott Olsen, who they can flip at the trade deadline for more prospects.

The Pirates simply can’t wheel and deal with the big boys in this game of Monopoly.

The Yanks and Red Sox are like Boardwalk and Park Place; the Pirates are like Baltic Avenue.

Still, it would have been interesting to play this what-if game:

What if the Buccos swooped in and offered Derek Jeter what he wanted from the Yankees originally: five years, $125 million?

Would Jeter have entertained such an offer?

If he did, it would have proven once and for all that mad money rules the world.

Of course, it doesn’t. Jeter would have laughed at such a notion of playing for the Pirates.

Lee proved Tuesday, by surrendering $30 million and signing with the Phillies instead of the Yankees, that there is more to baseball life than greenbacks.

That, at least, is good to know.

Mike Kilroy is a staff writer for the Butler Eagle.