ZELIENOPLE - Sleigh bells ring, snow glistens and Christmas is still Christmas, but for those who have lost a loved one in the past year, the holiday just isn't the same.

Finding ways to accept that change is a difficult task but one that need not be a solo undertaking even though it is a personal journey.

Tom Hempel, a family therapist in Bellevue with a specialty in grief counseling, knows "how difficult a hurdle it can be to get through the holidays."

Twice this December, Hempel and Carol Boehm, in conjunction with Boylan and Glenn Kildoo funeral homes, hosted holiday memorial services at churches to help people with recent losses learn to live with what they've got instead of what they wanted. Boehm of Pittsburgh has 12 years experience in bereavement related fields as well as having several family members die.

Modeled after a Christmas church service, the candlelight Ceremony of Remembrance at St. Ferdinand Catholic Church and at the Harmony/Zelienople United Methodist Church was open to everyone, "all ages and all stages. We often have people who have experienced the remembrance service before bring others with them," said Hempel.

This is the fourth year the ceremonies took place in the pre-holiday period.

"In the service, we work toward an overall understanding of what grief is about and how, like snowflakes, all reactions to death are different. We all work through grief in our own individual ways," said Hempel.

"I share how I handled the holidays and got through them," explained Boehm. "I also talk about how others did it. I know of one family that made a Christmas stocking out of a flannel shirt and stuffed it with notes."

Suggestions were presented to help survivors adapt, create or jettison holiday traditions and to accept, decline or simply say maybe to holiday invitations.

A few holiday aids presented in the ceremony included:

Learn to decorate with tissue boxes

Make lists of what needs to be done to make up for lack of concentration

Buy a gift for the person who died and give it to someone who needs it

Give yourself the gift of patience and forgiveness

Allow others to be good to you by asking for what you need.

"With music and singing, our program lasts a little over an hour. There is so much to say in a short time," said Boehm.

Often after the ceremony people tell Hempel and Boehm their own treks though grief.

"We love to get feedback," said Boehm.