Dear Baseball Gods:

If you can spare a minute between all the New York Yankees fans begging to keep the pinstripes out of last place and Adam LaRoche asking to strike out less than Erkel at a singles bar, I need some help.

I know you have come through for me before — thanks for that bases-loaded triple in Little League.

And I know sometimes you just can't come through — way to let Jose Mesa become "Senior Smoked" in the 1997 World Series. I'm still trying to forgive you for that one.

But if you do this for me, I promise I'll never ask you for another thing.

Please, do something about Barry Bonds.

Anabolic Barry is scaring me.

He's only nine home runs away from tying Hank Aaron for the career home run record and a mere 10 splashes into the San Francisco Bay away from breaking one of the most special records in sports.

Don't let him do it.

Pretty please with flaxseed oil on top.

I'm not asking for much. Just a hamstring pull, maybe a sore knee — something to slow him down.

Give him vertigo like Nick Esasky; a good grand jury indictment would do the trick, as well — anything you see fit to do, big guy.

I hate to ask for such a thing — I have a certain creepy crawly Tonya Harding stench about me now — but I can't bear to think of the baseball world with Barry Bonds as its home run king.

The dude cheated.

I know. I know. He "allegedly" cheated. But we all

know he did.I'm tired of hearing the phrase "alleged steroid use." We all know Bonds might as well have bathed in the "cream" and the "clear" — he used so much of it.I wasn't worried in April. I figured if his bulky knees didn't get to him, father time would.But Bonds is still playing. He's still mashing home runs and he's getting too close for comfort.I'm sure I'm not alone on the Bounce Barry bandwagon. An online poll recently had 70 percent of baseball fans hoping Bonds would blow a hammy before he got to No. 756.So, you'd really be doing this for 70 percent of baseball fans, not just little ol' me.Of course, if you do let Bonds break the record, I only hope you will let someone else break it soon.I don't like Alex Rodriguez, but at least he didn't turn himself into Frankenstein to hit the 483 dingers he's slammed in his career so far.If you let Bonds break the record, he's already said he's not going to give anything to the Hall of Fame. No bat. No cleats. Not even the syringes he injected himself with.That seems unfair — to the 30 percent of people out there who hope he actually does break the record.Selfish to the end.Well, I said my peace. I hope you will find it in your heart to help me out here.If for some reason you can't, at least let my fantasy team do well.Mike Kilroy is a staff writer for the Butler Eagle.