I never realized the creative generosity of people until my 11-year-old son, Joseph, died suddenly in a bicycle accident four years ago.

From the simple gift of toilet paper to the gentle act of stroking my hair so I might fall asleep for a few moments, people did so much to help me through that awful nightmare.

When someone dies, it's difficult to know how to help, what to do to support the surviving family. People want to help in any way they can, but often they just don't know how to ease the pain.

Many people choose to do nothing because they don't know what to do.

To tell the truth, there is no perfect thing to say. A simple, "I'm sorry," is as comforting as an eloquent Hallmark speech.

When I think back to that time, I cannot tell you what words of wisdom or sympathy people offered. I only remember they were there, and their acts of kindness helped me.

For anyone worried about doing the right thing, even the little gestures can help to lighten the burden.

CHARLIE BROWN of Chicora can also reflect on the things people did to comfort his family when Mary Brown, his wife of 12 years, died in April after an eight-year battle with leukemia.

Brown and his 10-year-old son, Kristopher, were as surprised as anyone when she died. The doctor had told them the week before she was doing fine.

Because she'd gotten ill before they'd purchased any life insurance for her, Mary's death was a financial hit as well as an emotional one. The Chicora Parent Teacher Organization put together a fund drive and surprised Brown with a gift he never expected.

"The only thing I knew," he said, "they were going to do a penny drive at school - but not to the extent that they did."

They put $1,500 down on the funeral bill.

"I knew nothing about it (until) I got the receipt in the mail," he said. "That really floored me. That was quite a chunk of change."

GIVING MONEY to the family or to charities of the families' wishes is one way to extend sympathy.

According to Thomas Steighner, owner of the Steighner Funeral Home in Chicora, it's one of the three most common things people do to ease the mourners' burden.

"They send flowers. They send food to the house too, and sometimes they'll send a memorial donation," Steighner said. "Sometimes they'll do all three. I think it helps the people who are doing it. They're grieving too, (though) not like the family."

PEOPLE DID SEND food and flowers when my son died. They made donations to the library and the Boy Scouts, two charities important to Joseph.

They also sent cards.

Those cards meant so much. There were days I could barely get out of bed, but once I was up, I would rush to the mailbox to see who had sent a word of sympathy that day.

I remember the first day the box was empty. It was two weeks after the funeral. I was so saddened and remember saying, "Aw, I guess the cards are done."

Even now, four years later, my good friends and relatives have discovered sending a card or making a phone call on Joseph's death day or birthday makes those days a lot easier to bear.

OVER THE MORE than 30 years he's been in grief work, Steighner has seen a change in the way people try to ease the pain of a death."Years ago, it was tradition to do this and this," he said speaking of flowers and food. "They're doing more personalization today."Looking at my situation, I agree with him. People were very personal with the way they expressed their condolences to me.Several friends came to the house and pulled telephone and reception duty, answering the telephone and giving the explanation of how the accident had occurred, as well as updating concerned friends on how we were holding up.They accepted the flowers and food that came to the house and wrote down all the phone calls and gifts that arrived. Because of their acts, when the hectic time was over, we were able to tell people how much we appreciated their support.The dear friend who sat on my bed with me the morning after the accident and stroked my hair accompanied my husband and me to the funeral home to make funeral arrangements. She also helped us select a gravesite at the cemetery.Other friends drove to the airport to pick up or drop off out-of-town relatives.Several called and invited our 10-year-old son to go to their house to just be a kid for awhile and to get him out of the chaos.During the funeral, the Boy Scouts, dressed in their uniforms, provided a most solemn and beautiful honor guard. One Scout played taps.My sister, although grieving herself, had the clarity of mind to take photographs during the funeral.One photo of eight pall bearers carrying my son's casket remains on my refrigerator. To this day it's a comfort and a symbol of how others share my burden of grief.

Throughout the visitation and after other people had left, relatives washed our clothes, vacuumed the rug, mopped the floor, and helped write thank you notes.Although Joseph died in September, one family sent us plane tickets to visit them for the Thanksgiving holidays. Another in-law came to visit in early December, packed us into the car and took us out to select a Christmas tree.About six weeks after Joseph's death, a friend called and brought dinner to the house. She wanted to do it when there was nobody else around, after the shock was beginning to wear off and the reality of our situation had truly begun to set in. It was the first meal I could taste after his death.Brown, too, saw diversity in the way people extended their sympathy.Although we received many things similar to what he had, people also gave him personal attention.As his wife got sick, Brown gradually took over the housekeeping chores and as much of the daily routine as he could, but he was clueless as to how his life would change.Looking back, he said he doesn't know how he would have managed without the Chicora PTO. They coordinated the things he had not even considered before."They covered the new issues, like babysitting and stuff like that," Brown said. "They gave me a babysitting schedule and brought food to the house twice a week for a month. They did the babysitting through the summer."After the summer ended, Kristopher's bus driver offered to help with the morning babysitting so Brown could get to work on time."You don't realize how many people come together," Brown said. "There's a lot of people behind the scenes."Several churches handed him envelopes to help the financial crunch, and Kristopher's Cub Scout troop put on a benefit spaghetti dinner. People did what they could to help."They did it because they knew Mary," Brown said. "It's made a big impact. There's just been support from everybody, you know, everybody."