I'm Mike Kilroy, and I approved this message.

It's a time for change, my friends. We can no longer afford to accept the status quo, the same old, same old.

We demand more out of our sports and sports teams.

We deserve sports that entertain, without causing us to lose valuable sleep.

We deserve to watch soccer matches that don't evolve into mixed martial arts.

We deserve a baseball team in Pittsburgh that doesn't, well, stink.

On my platform of change, here are the things I would fix:

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Move high school soccer playoff games to a reasonable hour.And for the love of Pele, WPIAL, schedule them correctly. None of these 6 p.m. and 7:30 p.m. doubleheaders. This isn't the island from "Lost." The space-time continuum doesn't warp here. It is impossible to play a high school soccer match in less than 90 minutes.That means the nightcaps of these double dips start late, end even later and force the players to go to school the next day with unsightly bloodshot eyes and cast drool on their desktops while snoozing in English class.If parents place a curfew on their children to be home at a decent hour on a school night, shouldn't the WPIAL?These matches should be played earlier in the day.•

Nix the first down statistic in football.If there was ever a more useless stat in any sport, I have yet to find it.How many times have you heard football analysts talk up a top team because, "they get more first downs than anyone in football."Never.I've seen many games where the team with the most first downs lost. Just last week, the winner of four local high school football games had fewer first downs than the loser.Knoch had twice as many first downs as Highlands and lost by 17.•

We need really, really red cards.I don't know if I am just lucky, or if my katra is a combative one, but I have seen three high school soccer matches marred by scuffles already this playoff season.It had me looking on the field for Kimbo Slice.It may be the pressure of playoff soccer getting to these players, or the fact that, for the seniors on a team losing 3-0, what does a red card really deter?There needs to be stronger sanctions on "Soccer Players Gone Wild."•

Change the name to the Pittsburgh Devil Pirates.The Tampa Bay Dev... er. Rays changed unis and their name in the offseason and look what its gotten them: a berth in the World Series, baby.Perhaps the Pirates should follow suit. Change the name, break out the fuschia duds, or better yet, bring the hideous 1979 uniforms that made eyes bleed out of moth balls. Anything to change the direction of this franchise that has suffered through 16 straight losing seasons.Of course, an even better strategy would be to draft well like the Rays, but that's too darn hard.We need quick fixes in a time of turmoil. Joe — and Jake — the Plummer, er, Plumber says so.Mike Kilroy is a staff writer for the Butler Eagle.