We're one-fourth of the way through the NFL season.

What have we learned, other than Bill Belichick would rather pass a kidney stone than give a presser, Mike Tomlin is one cool cat and Rex Grossman makes Garo Yepremian look like a pretty good option at quarterback?

Not much. That's the nature of the NFL. It stands for Not For Long, as in good teams are not good for long and bad teams are not bad for long.

But one thing is constant: awards. Everyone loves 'em. The Emmys, the Oscars — you can't get enough of them.

Here are my quarter-pole awards in the NFL. No envelopes. No boring stage shows. No stupid hosts.

I just hope Kanye West doesn't storm this column.

•

The Human Turnstile Award: Winston Justice, Eagles, offensive tackle (allegedly).How do you recognize this kind of ignominious performance? With an award, of course. Philadelphia quarterback Donovan McNabb was sacked more than groceries at the local Food Mart and Justice gave up six of them to Osi Umenyiora.I think even I was sacked while watching it.•

The Fantasy Team Killer Award: Wow. So many worthy candidates here: L.T., Larry Johnson, Steven Jackson, Drew Brees. I'm sure they would all say it is just a dishonor to be nominated.But someone has to be a winner (or loser, in this case).Step right up,Drew Brees.The Saints quarterback is the winner, er, loser, um, winner — whatever — because he came into the season as the most popular fantasy choice at the position this side of PeytonManning and has turned into a poor man's Joey Harrington.Brees is averaging 5.2 yards per attempt, has only one touchdown pass to go with seven picks and has a receiving corps slower than the checkout line at Wal-Mart.L.T. has just as many TD tosses.That's bad.•

The Greatest Show on Smurf Award: The St. Louis Rams.Wasn't this offense supposed to be good with Marc Bulger, Jackson, Torry Holt, Isaac Bruce, et al? It's hard to explain why they are the worst offense in the league right now.Maybe Alchemist Smurf altered the team chemistry. Maybe Lazy Smurf infested the offensive game plan and made them predictable. Maybe Mike Martz Smurf getting kicked out of the village hurt this offense more than anyone knew.Right now, the Rams are getting the Smurf kicked out of them.•

The Art Shell Face Award: Cleveland Browns coach Romeo Crennel. No one has that patented Shell blank stare down pat like Romeo.•

The Channeling Kurt Warner Award: Derek Anderson, Cleveland Browns.Someone wake this guy up already. He's going from obscurity to one of the most prolific quarterbacks in the game right now.Since the Browns sent Charlie Frye packing, Anderson has more touchdown passes than Peyton Manning, Brett Favre, Matt Hasselbeck and Donovan McNabb.In a bit of irony, Kurt Warner was the runner-up for this award.