On one side, you have an athlete with exceptional natural ability and a competitive streak so wide it can be seen from space.

On the other side, you have an athlete with exceptional natural ability — you get the drift.

One's a hitter. One's a pitcher. Both are so driven by the determination to succeed — or perhaps more accurately, the fear to fail — they are willing to do

anything to stay at the top.Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens are not so different. They are cut from the same egomaniacal cloth. Should it surprise anyone that they (allegedly) used steroids?It doesn't surprise me anymore. The only thing that does give me pause is that they are denying it so vehemently.Clemens stood in front of a media hoard and proclaimed in a loud, booming voice that he didn't give a rat's patootie about the Hall of Fame or his legacy.Sorry, Roger. Not buying it. You care, that's why you held your little presser. That's why you went Linda Tripp on Brian McNamee and taped your phone conversation with him.America cares, too, perhaps more than we should. When Mike Wallace takes 840 seconds out of his "60 Minutes" to delve into Clemens' (alleged) steroid use, we care.But if Pitcher A is 'roiding and he's staring down Hitter A, who's also 'roiding, that pretty much evens the playing field.Case closed.Frankly, I could give a rat's patootie, too.• Clemens' breakdown was far more entertaining than the Steelers' disintegration Saturday night.It got so bad, my fiance, who is one of the biggest Steelers fans I know, grabbed a ball of yarn and tried to teach herself how to knit.The Steelers' poor play drove someone to make a slip knot. Yikes.While she was trying to cast on, the Steelers made a comeback, only to fall short and dash her dreams of playoff glory — and of making a cool scarf.• Maybe the Steelers should sign Wolf from "American Gladiators."I think Wolf would be an able replacement for Alan Faneca. He can smell fear, you know. Or is it Hulk Hogan's aftershave? I'm not sure ... brother.I don't know how the rest of the O-line would take to the howling, though. It may be hard to hear Roethlisberger's snap count with Wolf barking at the moon above Heinz Field during every play.But it's better than the gibberish bellowed by Toa. Was that Klingonese? Does he secretly long to be Lt. Commander Worf?I thought Hellga may be a better choice to replace Faneca. Then I found out her real name is RobinColeman. That's like finding out Conan the Barbarian's real name is Conan O'Brien.Hellga is too slow, anyway. She's slower than Najeh Davenport on a wet field. Well, slower than Najeh Davenport on a dry field. Well, slower than Najeh Davenport on a moving walkway.So, she's out.The perfect solution is Crush. She may not be able to block, but she sure is a sight better to look at thanFaneca.