I'm more down than the Temple football program.

I'm more depressed than Jose Offerman at an anger management class.

I'm as sad as a Rex Grossman quarterback rating.

I'm more melancholy than James Blunt.

The ESPN anchors should wear black armbands. The desk should be a hearse. Even Dick Vitale is on suicide watch.

I can't remember a more depressing month in sports than this one.

It all came to a head when Michael Vick plead guilty to federal dogfighting charges Monday, reaffirming what we already knew: Marcus Vick is no longer the black sheep of the family.

We have been flooded by a cascade of negative sports news. Not even a slew of new Peyton Manning commercials can cleanse us of this stain.

There was Bonds breaking the home run record under the cloud of steroids. There was the Tim Donaghy saga in the NBA. BillWalsh died. Michael Irvin got into the Hall of Fame. And the Pirates have been a sad story for, oh, 15 years now.

All these sordid stories have clouded some of the good tales that are unfolding.

• Rick Ankiel.

When the dude was a pitcher, he developed Steve Blass disease. He couldn't find the strike zone with a GPS device.

No problem. The Cardinals decided to convert him to the outfield, and, after climbing back up through the minor leagues again, Ankiel is having an outrageous month in the majors.

He is hitting .313 with four homers in 32 at-bats.

It's an amazing story and a testament to his athletic ability.

• Dmitri Young.

Here's a guy who turned his life around. Arrested for domestic violence and released by the Tigers, no one would touch Young with a 10-foot bat this offseason until the Nationals gave him a shot.

Now a leader and a model citizen — even though it is quite painful to watch him move around the first-base bag like a giraffe on Quaaludes — he is hitting .332 with 12 homers and 67 RBI for Washington.

• Dana Kiger.

The Slippery Rock University women's soccer player suffered a rare form of amnesia after sustaining a head injury in a soccer match at Coleraine HighSchool near Cincinnati.

Kiger remembered nothing of her life or of her sport. She had to relearn everything, except her extraordinary soccer skills.

She is now a freshman on The Rock's soccer team.

• Slippery Rock's Clyde Conti and his young coaching staff.

The veteran of 27 years of coaching football has been rejuvenated by his new, young coaching staff. With guys like David Bauer, Kent Uber, Brad Sopic and BillShepardson — all born after Conti began his coaching career — Conti is feeling young and spry again.

• Madden 08 has been out for more than a week and Vince Young has not been injured and/or arrested.

The Madden curse is famous and Young graced the cover this season. Past cover athletes have included Vick, Ray Lewis and the "lost cover" boy, Charles Manson.