Well dear readers, I need to announce that the next time you see me, you probably won't recognize me. You see, I've just spent an entire evening wide awake watching television and my life has been changed forever.

Apparently, all of the problems each of us face can be solved by every single product offered on late-night television, and I'm eager to purchase every one of them so that my otherwise dull, ordinary, unglamorous life can be cured.

For a mere $29.99 I can have skin like singer/actress Jessica Simpson. Sure, she's a female, but at the end of the day, don't we all want perfect, unblemished faces that say, "I can't really sing, but I look hot in my video so you'll buy my CD?"

But what is perfect skin without a sparkling smile? Glad you asked.

A special, limited-time offer is being made to only the first 22 callers to get a special teeth whitener used by so many stars, they can't even name them! It's one of Hollywood's best-kept secrets, and they want me to share in the secret for only $49.99! How can anyone resist!

To accent my newfound smile and unblemished face, I need something to draw attention upward, away from those flabby, loose muscles around my midsection. (We'll get to those in a minute.) The answer, of course, is jewelry, which can be purchased by calling QVC. Heck, comedian Joan Rivers is selling it so it has to be quality, right?

Now, back to that flubby tummy. Did you know that for six easy payments of $59.99 plus S&H (that's shipping and handling, if you are a novice) I can have six-pack abs instead of the keg-size abs I currently possess? Yes, it's true. You, too, can have abdominal muscles like singer/actor Nick Lachey. (He's famous for marrying Jessica Simpson, mentioned earlier.) Do I sense a theme developing here?

If you're keeping track, the total damage so far is $319.94 (plus S&H and not including jewelry, but that won't be delivered for two weeks so it doesn't count). But don't worry. I'm gonna make a boatload of cash.

You see, I am going to go from rags to riches by purchasing two courses that will make me richer than Microsoft founder Bill Gates, the richest guy ever.

One course will teach me to buy real estate properties for pennies on the dollar and then sell them for a gazillion bucks! They even have copies of gigantic paychecks, so I know it's for real!

The other one is going to teach me how to find notes (whatever the heck those are) and then list them and sell them. It's as easy as find 'em, list 'em, get paid! How can I go wrong? (I'll probably hire someone really funny to type this column when I'm rich.)

Once I make all this money, it will be much easier to afford all of the new herbal remedies on the market like Sea Vegg so that I stay healthy and spend all of my money.

I might even start a new business, but not with my own money. No, sir. The guy in the goofy suit jacket with question marks all over it has government money to give away.

Wow. Watching late night TV really does help me sleep easier. After all, now I can go to sleep and dream about my dull, boring life with my great job, great wife, great kids, great family and friends without worrying about how to pay for all that stuff.

It's enough to make me want to write a debt-consolidation infomercial.

Christian Ola, a community columnist for the Butler Eagle, resides in Mars with his wife, son and daughter and can be reached through www.christianola.com.