The champagne's gone flat, the chocolates have been eaten and the roses have wilted.

With another Valentine's Day over, how can you be sure that your relationship will survive until the next one?

By ignoring all the holiday hype and doing the hard work of making a relationship last, say a number of Butler County therapists and couples counselors.

“People feel they have to live up to the media's portrayal of what romance is and that may be unrealistic,” said Dr. Donna Korczyk, a psychologist who sees couples as part of her Cranberry Township practice.

“I do think the expectation bar is very high, and I think that's culturally induced with advertising,” said Ellen Garbuny, a licensed social worker in Butler who counsels couples. “And it sets you up to be disappointed if you have these high expectations.”

But Brent Olean, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist, said he likes Valentine's Day for the reminder that it brings.

“I believe it sets the standard where it should be,” said Olean, owner of Transformation Counseling Center, 314 Thomson Drive, Cranberry Township. “If you could encapsulate the feeling of when you were standing at the altar, whether you are a man or a woman, that's better than Valentine's Day. The holiday is a reminder of what we are doing together.”

But that togetherness doesn't mean a perpetual honeymoon, said Garbuny.

“People come to me bored or stunned that real life is not as exciting as dating. A lot of couples are surprised by that,” said Garbuny.

So what do couples need to go the distance?

“Love is the obvious thing, but underneath that there has be friendship, trust and respect,” Garbuny said.

It's important to listen to the other person, she said.

“Men try to fix it when a woman tells him her problems,” said Garbuny, “when woman only want to be listened to. And it's a stereotype that is pretty much true, but men need to talk more.”

Both men and women need to talk more, as well as listen more, said Jackie McKee, a masters level counselor and owner of McKee Counseling Services, 301 N. McKean St.

The problems couples face, McKee said, is that we are such a “Me society” in which “my” needs come first that it creates control issues between partners which usually means no compromise and no negotiating. This leads to no communication or one-way communication and then to sessions with her, McKee said.

“I would say the foundation of a healthy relationship is an emotionally healthy individual,” said Dr. Elizabeth Krause, a psychologist who runs a practice with two female colleagues in Mars, Malec, Herring & Krause.

By that, Krause said she means someone who is able regulate their own emotions.

“If you don't know how to handle a painful feeling in yourself, how are you going to be there for someone else?” she asked.

Krause said what a good relationship is, at the bottom, is interdependence. This interdependence hinges on the people in it keeping their promises, being faithful and being nonjudgmental, she added.

And the partners in a relationship both have to speak the same language, said Korczyk.

For example, if one person wants affirmations of love while the partner expresses his affection with acts of service, she said, each may feel the other is not expressing love.

“Do they each know what says love to the other person and are they willing to express love in the way the other person can receive it?” she said.

It's not always a comfortable situation to be in, she said.

“Are they willing to go beyond their comfort zone to express love to the other person in a way that is meaningful to the other person, even though it may mean a stretch for them?” Korczyk said.

“People get so caught up in the business of living that the relationship goes on the back burner,” and partners don't know each other anymore, Korczyk said.

“There are a lot more stresses on people financially. They're working long hours and when they get home they are too tired to do much of anything,” she said.

Krause emphasized it boils down to developing healthy emotional habits and healthy relationship habits.

You can't get away with not putting the time into your relationship, she said. “It takes sustained, committed dedication, emotional management skills and stress tolerance.”

“Look, you go to gym to be physically healthy, you do your best at work. Put the most time and effort into the most precious relationship, the one you turn to for comfort and support,” Krause said.

Olean said he was talking to a couple married for 45 years and asked them how they stayed together and they both said in unison “Yes, dear.”

What this means, said Olean, is realize that you are in love with that person and your job is to meet their needs.

“You don't have to like them all the time, but you have to let them know you love them,” Olean said.

“Keep dating your spouse, stay attentive to the other person's needs,” he said. “The real date begins once you do get married and you can't ever stop.”

“There is no stagnation in marriages; it's either going one way or another. It's getting better or getting worse. You are heading toward oneness or isolation,” he said.

Jackie McKee of McKee Counseling Services, 301 N. McKean St., Butler, has been advising couples for 18 years.She has compiled a list of suggestions for couples to keep their relationship healthy, whether or not they have children.• Date at least one to two times monthly. It doesn't have to be expensive. It can be a walk in the park, sitting on a bench watching nature, a cup of coffee or a dinner out. This is a time to work on the communication. It is not a time to talk about work, children, or finances, nor is it a time to watch a movie or a sporting event. Although those dates are fun and special too.• Eat at least one meal each day together without the TV or cell phones.• Remind yourself and your partner why you love them, why you chose to be with them and what attracted you to this person beyond their looks.• Find something to share — a hobby, a good book, etc.• Laugh together as often as possible.