Phil needs an attitude adjustment
I hate the groundhog.
And before anyone goes all PETA on me, I've always hated the rotten rodent.
Even before this most recent week with snow measured by the foot, wind chill factors lower than my shoe size and the list of school closings longer than names in the phone book, Phil and I have rarely come to an agreement on the weather.
According to his Web site, www.groundhog.com, roadkill Phil has only seen his shadow 10 times during my 40 years on this earth. That means he's only predicted "no more winter" 25 percent of my lifetime.
That's not good, especially if you're a beach-loving, sand-in-your-toes and sun-on-your-nose kinda guy. I am, by the way.
Apparently there is an inner circle associated with the furry rat masquerading as a meteorologist. When I read the bios of these guys, it's apparent that they just don't get it. Most of them have hobbies like snowmobiling or skiing and their attitude seems to be "You can't change the weather so you might as well deal with it."
Additionally, they all seem to be diet soda kinda guys. I'm not one of those, either.
I come from a different school: one that suggests possible changes in latitude equals changes in attitude and, frankly, this 122-year-old groundhog attitude has got to change.
So I am proposing the inner-circle take on a few new members. I'd love your support on this idea, so if anyone can take off their mittens for a minute to start a petition that would be great.
The first member of this circle has got to be Jimmy Buffett. Crooning about beaches, good times, bikini-clad girls and fruity drinks with umbrellas in them beats the heck out of 3 feet of snow, darkness and people wearing snowsuits.
Next up needs to be Owen Wilson because he's got a laid-back, beach bum kinda attitude working and he's got cool hair. I can't picture Owen wearing a ski cap anytime soon but I can certainly see him suggesting no more winter ¿¿ ever to befuddled crowds at Gobbler' Knob.
Along those same lines I'm going to suggest fictional character Jeff Spicoli from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High." The original surfer dude, Spicoli wore flip flops before they were fashionable, and his Hawaiian shirts exposed his abdomen, which also accentuated the bagel lodged in the waistband of his cutoff jeans.
The other point worth making is that the current inner circle has no female members. My petition changes that, as Annette Funicello would join based upon her work in films worshipping warm weather, like "Beach Blanket Bingo," "Muscle Beach Party" and "How to Stuff a Wild Bikini."
Throw in her Top 40 recording "Pineapple Princess," and I can't think of a better-equipped candidate for the inner circle.
The inner circle is being threatened by PETA (yes, the group mentioned above). The animal rights group suggests replacing Phil with a robot, saying that "Subjecting him to large crowds and bright lights is unfair" and that he's treated cruelly on every day other than Feb. 2.
Current inner circle members suggest otherwise, however, stating Phil is being treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania.
No kidding, since the average kid in Pennsylvania is subjected to six more weeks of the type of weather we've experienced as a result of Phil's forecast.
The new inner circle would convene annually in Key West, where Sam the Shark would determine if there is to be more winter or a move to spring.
His test would be simple: If Sam eats a piece of raw meat thrown from the pier, no more winter.
Can I suggest that piece of meat be a furry, brown rodent from Pennsylvania?
Christian Ola, a community columnist for the Butler Eagle, resides in Mars with his wife, son and daughter and can be reached through his Web site, christianola.com.
