Oh, Jeff Reed. If only I had gotten in touch with you earlier. I had a boatload of alibis you could have used.

Instead, after lying low for more than a week after breaking the towel dispenser at a Sheetz in New Alexandria, you plead guilty to disorderly conduct and criminal mischief and are fined $543.50.

We could have fought this. You just needed to be a little more creative.

For example:

• Your bleached blond hair.

Do we really know the complexities of what peroxide can do to one's head in the long term? You have the hair, which is connected to the scalp, the skull, the brain. We had just cause right there. You were the victim in all this.

Never mind that it makes you look foolish, which brings me to my next point:

• Kickers aren't the brightest tools in the shed.

No offense, but Miami's Garo Yepremian tried to kick a field goal in Super Bowl VII, had it blocked, threw the worst pass in NFLhistory, which was picked off and taken a touchdown in a 14-7 victory, the lone score for the Washington Redskins. Arizona Cardinals kicker Bill Gramatica celebrated a field goal by jumping and tore his ACL.

Former Indianapolis Colts kicker Mike Vanderjagt ripped his own team shortly after a playoff loss, only to have quarterback Peyton Manning, while at the Pro Bowl, respond by calling him our "idiot kicker."

We could have gone the ignorance route: "But your honor, I'm just a kicker." Could've worked.

• The towel dispenser.

Really, if there were no paper towels, could it technically exist since there were no paper towels to be dispensed.

These are so good, I should be on retainer.

• Physical evidence.

Sure, there's a busted towel dispenser and Reed was in the bathroom when the sounds could be heard, but is there a tape or any actual witnesses to the heinous act?

If not, it's circumstantial evidence. Prove it was Reed's foot or hand that did it. When he verbally abused a store employee, well, you'd have to confess to that one.

I guess it's true that kickers should be seen and not heard.

I'm not sure why Jeff Reed needs to stop in a convenience store in the wee hours of the morning, although it's never been mentioned if he'd been drinking or if drugs were involved.

Perhaps he was of sound mind and not under the influence, but an outburst like that after closing time seems to indicate otherwise.

When that's happened to me — and I'm sure we've all been there — here's what you do Jeff. Shake the excess water from your hands, wipe off some of the residue on your shirt, jeans, coat, whatever. Trust me, it will dry.

Then move on with your life. Get over it. You embarrassed yourself, getting your name splatted across the nation and all the sport talk-shows and newscasts. This may be behind you now, but wait until training camp and the regular season. You'll be talking about it again.

You know jokes will be everywhere about you carrying your own Terrible Towel. Which is better than your alternative, which was to have a case of the Terrible Twos.