Unemployment is higher than Jamal Anderson.

The stock market is shakier than A-Rod's rep. He's become a human PEDs dispenser.

Only Ogden Nutting is spending less than we are these days.

The economy is bad. How bad is it? Well, you know it is bad when there are major league baseball players coming off .300 batting seasons, 20 home run seasons and 100 RBI seasons contemplating a career in the medical field rather than on the baseball field.

There are huge names still unsigned and spring training is less than a week away.

But here's a solution. The Pirates should launch their own Major League Baseball Players Out of Work Bail Out Plan.

Call it a stimulus package for a franchise that has been in a coma for 16 years.

Tell me there aren't 25 players out there in the market right now that are worse than the 25 men the Buccos will open the season with?

If you can, I'd suspect you are overindulging at a party with Michael Phelps.

The best part is these players can be had at a discount.

To a man, they are getting desperate. And so are their agents. They'd sign anything, play anywhere — even Pittsburgh.

So, listen up, Pirates brass. Jettison your current roster (except for maybe Nate McLouth, Paul Maholm and Ryan Doumit) and sign up these guys.

You may, gasp, have a winning season, or, double gasp, contend for a NL Central title.

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Catcher: Keep Doumit as the starter and sign IvanRodriguez as the backup. I-Rod can still rake and handle a pitching staff for that inevitable month or two thatDoumit sits nursing a sore hammy.•

First base: Ink Adam Dunn and watch 40 to 50 homers fly over the short left-field wall. Canoe rentals will go through the roof as people paddle back and forth in the Allegheny waiting for the 10 to 15 Dunn homer water landings.Backup: Sean Casey. Even he would rather play for the Buccos than work for FOX.•

Second base: Orlando Hudson. Hit .305 last year.Backup/utility guy: Mark Grudzielanek. Will hit .300, guaranteed, and will give you at least one RBI a month.•

Third base: Joe Crede. Only 30 and only two years removed from a 30-homer year.•

Shortstop: Orlando Cabrera. If nothing else, it would be cool to have the first all-Orlando double play combo in baseball history.•

Outfield: MannyRamirez, McLouth, BobbyAbreu, Ken Griffey Jr. and Moises Alou. Yes, Manny is a gamble. But if Manny is Manny in Pittsburgh, no one will care, unless he plays football or hockey.

Rotation: Paul Maholm, Pedro Martinez, Livan and Orlando Hernandez (yes, the Bucs corner the market on players named Orlando), KennyRodgers (just keep the cameras away).

Bullpen: Joe Beimel, Juan Cruz, KeithFoulke, Eric Gagne, Will Ohman, Matt Capps.I'd go in PNC Park to watch that team. Of course, I'd go to PNC Park to watch any team. Those nachos are to die for.Mike Kilroy is a staff writer for the Butler Eagle.