I have several friends who are involved in the financial services industry, whether they are brokers, investment planners, agents or bankers. Many have inherited the gift of sleeping with one eye open to check the markets.

With that said, and being a linguist, I started to wonder about the terms being thrown around like any quarterback the Steelers might be playing on a given Sunday.

There seems to be some confusion, and I need your help deciphering the real message.

•Mortgage meltdown — This apparently is what caused the whole mess and the reason most of us will retire when we reach the ripe old age of 108 (which happens to be when my last mortgage payment will be made). Meltdown implies heat, if I'm not mistaken.

•Frozen credit markets — This is the first paradox. If the mortgage meltdown heat related created the mess, how can markets freeze? The implication here, of course, is that it needs to be cold to freeze. Heat is not conducive to freezing — at least if I remember correctly from my 11th grade science days.

• Bail out — Webster's defines this as parachuting from an aircraft or abandoning a harmful/difficult situation. If you want to spell it "bailout," then it means to rescue from financial distress, probably by throwing the perpetrators out of an aircraft without a parachute.

•Rescue plan — Webster's defines this verb as freeing from imminent danger by prompt or vigorous action. (See my above solution that involves throwing the perpetrators out of a moving aircraft. That's prompt — and vigorous.) Again, the two words seem to have the same meaning unless you have a marketing degree and need to paint a different picture to the public.

•Toxic assets — Toxic implies something is poisonous, sick or infected. Assets, on the other hand, are typically synonymous with something that has value. How can something that has value be poisonous, sickening or infected? (Okay, besides my car, how can anything have those characteristics and still have value?)

•Subprime mortgages —Submarines go below the water, thus the prefix, "sub." Subprime would suggest rates on these loans would be below prime rate. However, in the world of lending, up is down and down is up, so subprime rates are the ones made to borrowers with poor credit. Therefore the rates are higher. Go figure: higher rates to those who can't afford it. This might be another example of toxic assets (see above definition).

•Credit crunch — Not to be confused with my favorite cereal Cap'n Crunch, the credit crunch is what is happening to most of us, banks included. Credit, however, implies that you have "extra." For instance, I have a credit at my local eatery since I overpaid last week.

Crunch, on the other hand, implies that things are getting too tight. How can I have "extra" and simultaneously be "tight" in the wallet? Remember, up is down, down is up in this world.

•Stand down — This is a favorite of Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernake, and for the life of me, I can't figure out what the heck he means. This is probably government speak for "we don't know either, but it sounds great as a sound bite."

By now I've probably created more questions than answers, but they tell me that's what economists actually do for a living.

If you or anyone you know has answers to these or other perplexing word problems, e-mail me! I'm facing a real deadline crunch, so it's time to stand down to these toxic assets before me (keyboard) and create something of interest (the only banking term I DO understand).

Christian Ola, a community columnist for the Butler Eagle, resides in Mars with his wife, son and daughter and can be reached at christianola@aol.com and through his Web site, www.christianola.com.