Is your stock portfolio performing about as well as the St. Louis Rams?

Is your retirement fund drying up faster than Al Davis' face?

Need a job in these trying economic times?

If you can coach football, or at least carry one, there might be an opportunity for you in the NationalFootball League.

Who says logging is the most dangerous job in America? Try toting the rock for the Pittsburgh Steelers for a couple of quarters.

You'll be carted off the field in no time.

Do you think being the CEO of a major financial institution these days lacks some job security? Take the head coaching job with the Oakland Raiders and see how long that will last.

The only commitment Al Davis has these days is the commitment to fire a coach every 15 months.

Injuries happen. Coach firings happen. But these days, they are occurring with the regularity of a Ben Roethlisberger sack.

The Steelers brought in Najeh Davenport to fill the gaping hole at running back left by Willie Parker's bum knee, CareyDavis' bum ankle and rookie Rashard Mendenhall's bum shoulder.

There are other options out there, just in case Davenport resurrects his strategy of running up to the line and falling down that he employed last season:

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Jerome Bettis and Tiki Barber. They haven't been retired for very long. Bettis looks like he still has a few carries — and doughnuts — in him. Barber walked away in his prime and probably still can gain 1,000 yards.The Steelers can ink Chris Collinsworth, too, for good measure. Then NBC could have the players room from the Steelers sideline every Sunday night.•

Keri Russell. Oh, wait, I mean Gary Russell. I always get them confused.•

Chris Fuamatu Ma'afala. If anything, he and Troy Polamalu can have a wild hair growing contest.•

Dick Hoak. Sure, he's 68 years old and hasn't played in 38 years, but he has fresh legs.Meanwhile the Raiders canned Lane Kiffin — finally. It was dragging on like the Brett Favre saga."Crazy Al" Davis, who made me check my television station, thinking I had accidentally flipped to "Tales of the Crypt" instead of the NFL Network, canned the kid and won't give him his allowance, er, salary.He promoted offensive line coach Tom Cable, who has about as much chance of keeping that job as Warren Sapp has of winning "Dancing with the Stars."Here's a list of possible coaching replacements that Al can target with his death ray:•

John Madden. Davis may have grown out of his phase of hiring dudes who look like high school graduates and will instead hire someone who is looking almost as old and haggard as he is.•

Mike White. On Christmas Eve in 1996, good ol' Al canned White and blurted out perhaps the best one-liner in news conference history."I guess we won't be having a 'White' Christmas."Awesome.•

Al Davis. JaMarcus Russell will throw 30 bombs every game — and complete two of them.Mike Kilroy is a staff writer for the Butler Eagle.