I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person even though some of you don't. Shucks, I even got one of them thar' fancy degrees and all!

But there are two things I really can't figure out and I could use your help, dear readers: Cell phone bills and banks.

Let's tackle the cell phone debacle first, and the apparent need for a Ph.D. in astrophysics or at the very least, the ability to understand why a $99 flat fee per month is actually closer to $165 when it's all said and done.

At the risk of offending anyone who might work for one of these wonderful companies, can anyone explain to me why there is a voice and data charge on my bill? I thought that by the very nature of owning a cell phone (something you talk into using your "voice") it was naturally assumed the voice charge was part of the bill.

Additionally, because I have unlimited Internet access for my phone (fantasy football requirements), I assumed "data" would fall under this category. I was wrong, since a neat little data charge shows up like a bad habit each month.

This is nothing to "LOL" at my friend. In fact, this makes me very :( !

Another charge that makes me so happy is the tax, government surcharge and fee portion of my bill. Nothing makes me prouder than paying Uncle Sam his fair share of my constitutionally-violated-by-wire-tapping phone calls each month — especially during April and the income taxes that accompany this rainy month.

The Ola family stays connected through nifty little text messages that often include verbose statements like "bring food now!" Three simple words typed about once or twice per day.

This cool habit runs an extra few bucks too. I have some select text messages to send the cell phone company, but this is a family paper.

Now, let's talk about banks. Not all banks, mind you, but rather a select few national banks that couldn't find Mars, Pa., if you put them in front of the spaceship that greets visitors entering our fair town.

After three recent incidents, I really don't care about the current mortgage debacle and the banks are getting exactly what they deserved.

First, let's discuss fees at the ATM. It makes me happier than the Pittsburgh Pirates current opponent to see, and accept, a $2.50 fee to use a machine in order to get my money. Using the machine nearest me (it speaks with an accent, too) for $20, that's over 10 percent. How's that for predatory lending?

Next, let's talk about payoffs of existing loans. I recently completed a transaction to payoff my second mortgage and the bank had the audacity to charge me $25 to get a payoff statement that I had to get myself! That's right, folks! I went online and retrieved it myself, allowing the bank to make $25. I love this business!

Finally, I'm through mailing an extra payment to principal on my loans. A relative of mine recently mailed a sizable amount to reduce the principal on their mortgage loan and guess what? The bank applied it to the next three payments, even though the check was separate and in the memo portion it said "extra to principal." At the rate they're going, they'll have to make a $25 payoff fee earlier than normal, so it's not worth it.

Whew. I feel better. Sorry to complain, but sometimes, I need to get my money's worth and this is the best place to do it! TTYL!