The NFL Selection Meeting, as it is officially called, begins at 3 p.m. Saturday. Everyone and their leatherheaded mother are doing a mock selection meeting, er, mock draft.

People have been trying to channel their inner Mel Kiper for years, and rarely do they succeed.

I can guarantee one thing. I won't, either.

1. Dolphins:

Justin Long, actor, Los Angeles. In a shocker, Bill Parcells is enamored with the PC vs. Mac commercials — and with Drew Barrymore.

2. Rams: Shelly Long, Bartender, Boston. No one can keep their Longs straight — but everyone knows her name.

3. Falcons: Uno, Westminster Best In Show winner. Owner Arthur Blank wants to put the whole Mike Vick dogfighting saga behind him.

4. Raiders: GrimReaper, harbinger of death, Gary, Ind. He's been working side by side with Al Davis for years.

5. Chiefs: Gordon Ramsey, chef, Hell's Kitchen. One thing Ramsey can give the Chefs, er, Chiefs: some fire.

6. Jets: Someone Jets fans will boo.

7. Patriots: James Bond, 007, London. The Pats fill their biggest weakness: spying.

8. Ravens: A quarterback.

9. Bengals: A U-Haul — to whisk Chad Johnson away.

10. Saints: Archie Manning, quarterback, Ole Miss. Mannings are hot right now.

11. Bills: Phantom of the Opera, Disfigured Dude, Toronto. Will only play one game a year — for now.

12. Broncos: Flash Gordon, Super Hero, Planet Mongo. He ran the 40 in 1.2 seconds at the combine.

13. Panthers: Bill Cowher, ex-coach, Charlotte.

14. Bears: Rex the Wonder Dog. Better thanRex "The Blunder Dog" Grossman.

15. Lions: Isiah Thomas, sort of unemployed, New York. A man with whom Matt Millen can truly relate.

16. Cardinals: It doesn't matter. It will be the wrong pick.

17. Vikings: Pass.

18. Texans: Yao Ming.

19. Eagles: Richard Simmons. Andy Reid needs to shed some pounds.

20. Buccaneers: Terrell Pryor, quarterback, Ohio State. Never too early for Jon Gruden to take another QB.

21. Redskins: Barack Obama, Dem., Illinois.

22. Cowboys: Jessica Simpson, singer, Los Angeles.

23. Steelers: Scoop, mascot, Butler. The Black and Gold need a reliable mascot.

24. Titans: Ms. Pac-Man, dot eater, Namco. Pac-Man didn't work out. Maybe his better half will.

25. Seahawks: Pearl Jam.

26. Jaguars: Jarron Sherman. He's their biggest fan.

27. Chargers: Another Kent State basketball player.

28. Cowboys: Ms. Pac-Man (from Titans for Pac-Man and rights to Donkey Kong).

29. 49ers: Sacajawea. The Niners need a guide to find the end zone.

30. Packers: Dr. Phil, TVtherapist, Chicago. Packer Nation needs counseling after losing Brett Favre.

31. Patriots: Pick spygated.

32. Giants: Hazel, maid. Someone needs to shine up that Lombardi trophy.

Mike Kilroy is a staff writer for the Butler Eagle.