I hate the Patriots.

When I sat down to rank my favorite NFL teams from No. 1 to No. 32, New England was at the bottom.

If I could have put them lower than 32, I would have. But the NFL hasn't stolen the Bills from Buffalo and put them in Los Angeles yet.

The league hasn't decided to take every loathsome player and put them on one team. Michael Vick, Pacman Jones, Tank Williams, Albert "Stompy" Haynesworth and Anthony Smith haven't become teammates as of this moment.

So, New England it is.

But why? Why are the Patriots hated more than Cruella De Vil?

Here are some possible reasons:

•

The Patriots are good. This is strange, because we usually like good. Good is, well, good. But the Patriots good comes across as evil.The last team that was this awesome was the 1985 Chicago Bears, a team that came a Monday night in Miami away from going 16-0 themselves.And they were cocky good like the Pats — they even recorded the "Super Bowl Shuffle" months before they actually got to the Super Bowl, yet they weren't so bitterly hated.Maybe if Tom Brady and Randy Moss did a lame dance and rapped badly, people would like them more.Nah.•

Bill Belichick. Now here's a real reason to despise the Pats.Belichick shows no emotion. I'm not even sure he's human. He may be some mutant robot. He may be a Decepticon.He was once the worst coach on the planet. He cut Bernie Kosar, for crying out loud.Belichick is the guy who drives 10 mph under the speed limit on Route 68, then slams on his breaks when you get too close.•

Randy Moss ... man. Watch Moss talk for five minutes without wanting to pull him down by one of his corn rows. I dare you.The man says, um, man every five seconds ... man. And he's a fair-weather player. On a good team, he plays hard. On a bad team, he hardly plays.Plus, he ruined my fantasy team last year. I will never forgive him for that.•

We have to have someone to hate. We live in an adversarial society. We have an inherent need to hate someone's guts.•

The NFL Network. It might as well be the New England Patriots Network these days. I can't even watch it anymore. I'm expecting Rich Eisen to show up wearing a dirty hoody with the arms cut off for the next "NFL TotalAccess."My only hope is the Pats lose in the playoff before they reach the Super Bowl.My worst nightmare is a New England-Dallas Super Bowl — a game pitting my No. 31 and No. 32 favorite NFL teams.I'd rather watch the Canadian CurlingChampionships. I'd rather watch figure skating. I'd rather stand in the long lines at Wal-Mart.Anything but that. Please.