Some snappy slogans for teams to use
While the Red Sox and Yankees try to wrest Johan Santana away from the Minnesota Twins, the Pirates signed Chris Gomez.
While the Detroit Tigers are trading a Double-A team to Florida for Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis, Pittsburgh is making ripples by negotiating with Matt Clement.
Yes. Baseball is as mucked up as ever.
The Red Sox have become the Evil Empire, Part II. The original EvilEmpire, the Yanks, threw $300 million more at A-Rod.
The Winter Meetings are basically a flea market for baseball. General managers get together, swap war stories, knock back a couple of drinks, and try to wheel and deal.
Sometimes it goes awry.
Perhaps the Kansas City Royals' GM knocked back one drink too many. He gave Jose Guillen $13 million a year, or roughly $1 million per home run, $500,000 per mental meltdown and five bucks per whiff.
The winter is also the time for teams to come up with catchy slogans.
Apparently the Pirates took last year off in that department, bringing back the sad "We Will" mantra from 2006.
So here are some fitting marketing ploys:
•
Baltimore: We'll trade Miguel Tejada for you. No really. For you. Suit up.•
Boston: We win at everything.•
Yankees: We used to win at everything.•
Tampa Bay Rays: Shelias sounded too effeminate.•
Toronto: We're still up here, eh.•
Cleveland: Choking in the playoffs since 1995.•
Detroit: Cabrera and Willis better be bleeping awesome.•
White Sox: Our manager can beat up your manager.•
Minnesota: We have 1,000 lakes, but no money to pay Johan.•
Kansas City: We throw big money at marginal stars so you don't have to.•
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: We'll add your city to our name — for a price.•
Oakland: JasonKendall no longer lives here.•
Seattle: Japan loves us. Why don't you?•
Texas: Everything is stinkier in Texas.•
Arizona: We change our uniforms — and managers —every three years.•
Colorado: We can't do any better than last September, so don't ask us to do it again.•
L.A. Dodgers: Can you play third base?•
SanDiego: Our pitching staff is older than Mexico.•
San Francisco: Our steroid budget was cut in half to better serve you.•
Atlanta: Come see Bobby Cox get ejected.•
Mets: Our roster is older than the Earth.•
Philadelphia: Ryan Howard cracked the Liberty Bell.•
Washington: You could play for us.•
Florida: Starting over since 1997.•
St. Louis: Hey. We still have Albert Pujols.•
Houston: We have Kaz Matsui. Fear us.•
Cincinnati: Thank you, Pittsburgh, for keeping us out of the cellar every year.•
Milwaukee: Our mascot smells like stale beer.•
Cubs: Where is Bartman when you need him?•
Pittsburgh: We Will ... Again ... honest.
