I'm lost in (my)space.

Besides being a great tool to discover how many pictures people can take of themselves with their cell phones while driving, MySpace is a great site to discover how truly warped pro athletes and coaches are.

Nothing breaks down inhibitions like exposing your personal life on a Web site — your hopes, fears, Zodiac sign and the identity of your first crush.

(In case anyone is wondering, mine was Melissa Gilbert. Hey, her portrayal of Laura Ingles Wilder was breathtaking.)

That's why it is so much darn fun logging on to MySpace and searching for some famous people in sports.

You may be surprised at what you find.

For instance, check out these profiles:

•

Name: Bill Belichick.

Here for: World domination.

Bill's interests: The 3-4 defense, videography, hoodies that haven't be washed since Steve Grogan was the quarterback and running up the score.

About me: It is what it is.

Who I'd like to meet: Lenin. Stalin. Don Shula, so I can make him smell my armpits.•

Name: TomBrady

Here for: Chicks.

Tom's interests: Throwing touchdown passes, looking cute and pretending I'm humble.

About me: I'm kind of a big deal.

Who I'd like to meet: More models.•

Name: Norv Turner.

Here for: Networking — I'm going to need to start looking for my 898,000th job in the NFL soon.

Norv's interests: Taking a good team and making it bad, giving hollow postgame rah-rah speeches and looking constipated on the sidelines.

About me: This head coaching thing is hard.

Who I'd like to meet: Someone in the Baltimore Ravens organization. They're going to need a good offensive coordinator soon, and I'm going to need another job.•

Name: Barry Bonds.This profile has been set to private. (Figures).•

Name: JohnRussell.

Here for: I'm not sure why I'm here.

John's interests: Watching the movies "Mission: Impossible," "Major League 3: Back to the Minors" and "Bull Durham." Getting fired as the third-base coach, then getting hired as that team's manager two years later.

About me: I'm a masochist.

Who I'd like to meet: Jim Leyland to ask him how he did it?•

Name: Alex Rodriguez

Here for: A couple of million dollars — time is money, people.

Alex's interests: Slapping baseballs out of first basemen's gloves, choking in the playoffs, holding teams hostage with my exorbitant contract demands.

About me: I'll tell you, but it'll cost ya!

Who I'd like to meet: An owner with deep pockets.•

Name: Steely McBeam.

Here for: To be a source of constant ridicule.

Steely's interests: Looking stupid. That's about it.

About me: I'm what would happen if the San Diego Chicken and Bill Cowher had a love child.

Who I'd like to meet: Someone who won't kick me.