It would be unfair not to warn you that reading this article will make you realize just how old you really are. So if you are in an angry mood already, put down the paper and mow the lawn.

If you are gutsy, though, stick around and clip this article out, knowing you'll be stuck with a song in your head by the end. (Please begin to hum "Pomp and Circumstance" now.)

Students are getting ready to move the tassel from right to left when they graduate in the coming days, and given the world we live in, it's no small feat to make it to graduation. I commend each and every one of them, hoping that each has the ability to reach higher and work harder to achieve their goals than we slacker human interest writers.

The world is going to throw them a curveball … no, make that a bunch of curveballs.

Perhaps the thing I want them to realize the most, however, is that time travels faster now than ever before. Don't believe me? Consider the following.

Today's high school graduates were born in either 1987 or 1988. That means there are a whole lot of things they've never experienced.

For instance, cable television has always been the norm for them, so they won't realize the joy of rabbit ears on a black and white 13-inch television. Wow, good times, man!

Kevin Costner starred in "Bull Durham" that year, with a very sexy Susan Sarandon (who is still hot even though she's 60 now.) This year's graduates remember Costner from "Waterworld" and Sarandon as the voice of Ms. Spider in "James and the Giant Peach." The movie cost $3 to see at the theater, and the gas to fill the tank was $1.10 per gallon in 1988, by the way.

I do want today's graduates to recognize that they have already equaled the scholastic career of Bill Gates. Yeah, the same guy who runs Microsoft. Mr. Gates was a college drop-out. Of course, he did drop out of Harvard.

One of today's sports superstars, Barry Bonds, is without a doubt the greatest home run hitter this graduating class of 2006 has ever known.

Back in the day (I've always wanted to say that), my hero was a local home run hitter named Willie Stargell. In 1988, Old Willie was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. While he didn't hit as many homers as Bonds, Stargell was twice the man Bonds will ever be.

When I graduated in 1988, the St. Louis Cardinals (football) decided to move to Phoenix, where they still reside today. They were replaced by the Rams, who came from California where they replaced the Raiders … never mind.

Politically, today's graduates know there is turmoil in the Middle East, particularly with Iraq and Iran. I'm here to tell them to stop trying to remember all this Middle Eastern stuff. As a case in point, Iran and Iraq ended their eight year war in 1988, but of course, the final prisoners from that war were turned over in 2003 (15 years later), honoring a treaty from 1975! Learning Middle East politics is kind of like trying to remember where the St. Louis Rams started.

On a serious note, I do want today's graduates to take some time for themselves.

I recently read an article on the Internet (which didn't exist as we know it in 1988) stating that we are more impatient today than ever before, demanding immediate satisfaction for our needs. Relax. The new viaduct wasn't built in a day and your cappuccino-smoothie mocha with a hint of soy will take a minute or two. Spend time talking to your friend, but NOT ON YOUR CELL PHONE!

Maybe the best way to express myself to these graduates is summed up in a song from my graduation year: "Don't worry. Be happy." Best of luck graduates, and congratulations.