Homer record not all that falls
As of this writing, Barry Bonds is exactly two home runs away from tying Babe Ruth.
Normally, I don't let sports intermingle with real news (my apologies to Eagle Sports Editor John Enrietto and his staff) like driving the kids in my minivan, traveling on vacation or my trip to the barber — but this is historic. After all, Bonds is a former Pittsburgh Pirates star.
Speaking of breaking records, Bonds' former team had one of the worst Aprils in the history of the club.
And while Bonds' record- breaking run will be impressive, there are many records that get broken each day with much less fervor and media hype. Why, I don't really know.
Consider, for instance, Dustin Phillips, who drank nearly an entire bottle of ketchup through a straw in just under 35 seconds in 1999. That's something to cheer about!
When compared to Bonds' attempt to catch Hank Aaron after passing Ruth, it's probably all about practice. But how often do you practice drinking ketchup through a straw?
Maybe you're a die-hard Pirates fan and all of this Barry Bonds news is driving you to the adult beverage section a little too often.
Think that you have a large collection of beer bottles? You'll need 16,322 bottles of brew to break the world record. That's roughly a case of beer for every one of Barry's current home runs.
There is little doubt that good ol' Barry will cash in on his efforts when he hits number 715 to pass the Babe and 745 to pass Hammerin' Hank. But will his efforts be rewarded like Phil Ozersky?
Phil caught Mark McGwire's 70th home run smash in 1998 and sold it for a whopping $3 million bucks. Good luck getting your home run ball back, Barry, let alone sell it for more than that!
But there are some records that are worth going after and are also attainable.
One that comes to mind immediately is consecutive days without working. I mean, really. Can you ever have too many days off in a row? Maybe we should all go for the record beginning Monday. If you need an excuse for your boss, my dad has his Ph.D. so he can sign your note "Dr. Ola." Go to him, not me.
Maybe another record worth setting and keeping is consecutively saying "I love you" to your family. This means saying it even when you are really mad at them for hiding the remote control, thus forcing you to watch "Commander in Chief" instead of professional wrestling.
Here's a great one! It is golf season, after all. Maybe someone (me) could set the record for watching "Caddyshack" the most. No matter how many times I see it, I still always laugh at Rodney Dangerfield's one-liners and Ted Knight's baritone voice of authority for Bushwood Country Club.
I'll need to research that one to see what the current record is, I guess. That's called investigative reporting, by the way.
Back to reality. One record that I hate to see broken each day is gas prices. At some point in time, only Barry Bonds and Phil Ozersky will be able to fill the tanks of their fancy-shmancy cars to the top, while the rest of us non-record holders use the gallon a day method to get from Point A to Point B.
I think the part that irks me is that Bonds could have stayed here and enjoyed himself. He could have had all the Primanti Brothers sandwiches he could eat, free rides on the Duquesne Incline and a little McMansion on a golf course.
But no, Barry had to become urban and chic by moving to San Francisco, where they don't even have real sports fans. The only real athlete to ever come out of San Francisco was Joe Montana, and he was from Beaver County!
There is one other record worth mentioning, I guess.
In 1956, Dale Long hit a home run in eight straight games. He's tied for that major league record with Don Mattingly and Ken Griffey, Jr. Not Barry Bonds.
And, oh yeah, by the way, he did it in 1956 when he played for the Pittsburgh Pirates. At least we have that going for us, which is nice. (Caddyshack fans understand that line.)
