Shhhhh!

OK, you’ve spotted me. Just don’t give me away.

I’m working on an X-tremely stressful, yet X-citing assignment, reporting on how everyone is preparing for X-mas.

Unlike most undercover reporters, I can fly around to anywhere at any time and remain inconspicuous while doing so. OK, the fake glasses and mustache may be a bit much, but I’m not taking any chances.

First stop. Department store.

Plenty of people waiting in the checkout lines. It’s the Christmas season — a time of joy — but I see no one smiling. I’m hearing a lot of disgruntled sighs and some folks are looking at their watches.

Hmm ... interesting.

Here’s a lady on her cell phone, apparently telling her husband this store doesn’t carry that style of skateboard, that she may have to leave the area to find it, she’s raising her voice ... .

Another person is arguing with the cashier about some discount flyer that expired a month ago.

Over by the door is a guy dressed in a Santa suit ringing a bell next to a donation pail. Every now and then, someone slips a dollar or some change into the pail. The Santa guy says “Merry Christmas” and the person trudges on by with no response.

Where is the Christmas cheer? Time to move on.

Second stop. A residential neighborhood.

Here’s a guy decorating the outside of his home for the holidays. Gotta be some Christmas spirit happening here.

Let’s listen in.

“The reindeer thing ain’t goin’ on the roof this year. The bulb on Rudolph’s nose is busted ... Hey, honey?” ... he’s yelling into the house now ... “Can’t we just do the snowman thing?”

“No!” ... She’s yelling back a response. “Set out the blowup Santa in the yard!”

“Uhh ... That shorted a fuse last year ...”

My goodness. Next stop, please.

Third stop. A Christmas tree farm.

This has to do it.

Oh-oh. Disgruntled customer.

“This is the best you’ve got left?”

“I’m sorry, sir ... We’ve been swamped. The taller, fuller trees are always the first to go.”

“Never mind. I’ll go the fake route. No pine needles falling on the floor. No cat batting ornaments into the dining room during dinner ... It’s all good. Of course, the family’s going to whine big-time ... .”

Enough, already. I demand to see Christmas joy, the true spirit of the season.

Where to go, where to go? Of course!

Fourth stop. Kids sitting on Santa’s lap.

This is more like it! Eager, excited kids in line, holding their parents’ hands, waiting for their own private moment with ol’ Saint Nick himself.

Perfect!

Let’s listen in.

“Ho! Ho! Ho! Hello, young man. And what might your name be?”

“Billy.”

“Hi, Billy! I’m Santa Claus.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Why, of course I am, Billy. Now then, what would you like for Christmas?”

“You’re not Santa. Santa Claus isn’t real.”

“Well, Billy ... You’re sitting on my lap, we’re talking, so I must be real!”

“I’m just here to make sure I get the present I want. My mommy and daddy will bring it. They put it under the tree on Christmas Eve. I’ve seen them.”

Santa scratched his chin for a moment, then put his arm around Billy’s shoulder.

“See, Billy, that’s why you’re here. You’re hoping to get the present you want, that Santa will tell your mommy and daddy. Santa Claus is all about hope because Santa Claus is all about Christmas.

“Christmas is about hope and love and family. It brings all of that to everyone. Billy, do you know what Christmas Day really is?”

“Yeah. It’s the baby Jesus’ birthday.”

“Right! And hope, love and family are the baby Jesus’ gift to all of us!”

A smile crossed Billy’s face.

“Merry Christmas, Santa!”

Whew! Assignment done.

Merry Christmas, everyone ... er, know anybody who wants a used mustache nose and glasses?